My Thoughts

My response to Jan 12, 2010 I knew by backtracking I'd find where I emotionally strayed. And there it was, January 13. The three distinct male relationships in my life. None of them are working. My faith centeres on a feeling, what I believe is the Holy Spirit, inside of me guiding me on my daily walk. When I lose my connection with this feeling, I feel so lost and alone. The only thing I trust is God, and that has to be my understanding of God, even if that understanding differs from another's. I feel really guilty for not being the right person for Jay. I feel unworthy and like a failure. When I think about him, think about what I know about him, I just want to wrap him in this huge blanket of love and success. I pray for his true fulfillment, knowing full well it will not be in me. That is because his fulfillment will come only in God.

It has been 3 weeks since I took time to blog. There are many reasons for this. Mainly, I was preparing for and then enjoying my mini-vacation to the Poconos with Jay. I can say that I totally do not understand female/male relationships and that I am more than ready to throw in the towel. And then along comes. . . my inner heart. O o o............My inner heart is so hopelessly in love with the idea of someone wanting me. My inner heart, whom I have named Taylor, is just so sweet and idealistic and cannot believe that anything other than the idealism exists. She is my strongest opponent. When I take charge and make great strides to move forward, Taylor jumps in and ruins it all. As a consequence, I completely blew my diet today. I have cried constantly for a week, and I am just about at the end of my wits on how to cope with the sheer stupidity Taylor employees. On top of that, Taylor joins forces with Candace and those two will surely destroy everything I have tried to build.