My Thoughts

Today was just one of those days..................it started off on a weird and very surreal foot and grew even more strange with each passing hour.  By noon, all I wanted was to retreat into a world of my own imagination and never leave.  It seems I spend more time lately in some crazy mood.............I feel lost, and with the guilt that always accompanies it.

My daughters are almost grown, and our traditions for Halloween continue to morph.  This year, I decided I did not want to celebrate Halloween as much as I wanted to enjoy Autumn.  This way, I can continue my decorations and cooking ideas into Thanksgiving. With a small twinge of panic, I reminisce about all the years of Halloween costumes and trick or treating that are over for me as a mother. I can begin planning for those grandchildren...........in about 10 years.  In the interim,  I will enjoy having a longer Autumn. Lately, I second guess myself.  As my children mature and traditions morph, I contemplate the past, present and future.  Trick or Treating and dress up have never been a big favorite of the Autumn season for me; but I did not want to deprive my children the experience.  Kaitlyn was the one wanting to dress up this year, and in a panic remembering what she did last Halloween made me say to her too curtly, "I'm not spending money on Halloween this year&qu

As I sat correcting mistakes on data entries at work yesterday, I was amused by the irony of the situation in several contexts of my life.  Having been the auditor at a previous job, I fully understood then and now the stress on others having work scrutinized.  Being in the hot seat this time, I had to laugh at the absurdity of it all.  More importantly, I knew that having a chance for someone else to critically review my work allows me to experience the stress, maybe even agitation, others have often felt with my analysis.  In many ways, the current family situation with my middle daughter is similar. At 16, she thinks she has all the answers;  she thinks she is grown.  It is almost too cliche to even say. Parents of teenagers fully understand.  It is not that I naively believed I had some magic answer and could forgo teenage angst with my daughters; it is not even that time seemed to leap forward too quickly for me to grasp; rather, I feel shock, even awe, at the process itself.

Finally, I can breath.  Peacefully, without thought, I can inhale all that is around me and not feel like I am suffocating in twisted emotions; but, I still miss you so much it hurts.  You are in every sound, every smell, every sight in this city.   I have tried to run, to hide among places and people I thought would distract me........but unfortunately, nothing has worked.  The last few months have been filled with tortured anguish as I succumbed to all the weathered emotions and in complete submission let myself grieve over you.  Repeatedly I have heard the slighted whispers that I have anguished too often, that the importance I have foolishly assigned to my feelings far outweighs the importance you placed.  None of this matters, as each person lives on definitions of their own design.  Whether is was you or the close embodiment of an ideal I secretly possessed, our time together awakened within me an eagerness tinged with ecstasy and mania.  In veiled innocence, I relinquished mysel