Mental Illness and It's Profound Effect on Family

It has literally been "years" since I sat still enough to blog. I miss it; it's hard to put into words the power of journaling and the effect of not journaling on my over restless brain. Today is December 23, Christmas Eve Eve. Ha "Eve Eve". I am alone in my kitchen, nursing my Dirty Chai Tea Latte, listening to instrumental Christmas music and pondering deeply.

Who am I?

What does it all mean?

What do I do with it all, anyway?

Where do I go next?

Is it ok to let go of a long-held dream?

So, in. no particular order.

In the last 27 months, I have lost 3 siblings, my dear uncle, my best friend / neighbor and 2 distant cousins. I don't want to minimize the distant cousins, but I knew them, was close once to the parents (my cousins) and have childhood memories attached to them. As for my siblings and uncle, those deaths have ranged from severely tragic to old age, and each has in some way affected me beyond comprehension. Grief is funny that way.

Add to that all........my mom's own grief which has robbed her will to continue and compounded her declining health and dementia. Whew......that's alot to unpack.

Lastly, the severely declining mental health and increased drug use of my oldest daughter......she's a shell of who she once was, only 32. Because I'm raising her daughter, I have limited contact due to the trauma that the contact has on my granddaughter. I saw my daughter last week, alley hopping in a not so great part of town, and when I stopped to ask how she was, she was tweaking, even thinner than the last time I had seen her.

Some part of me wants to just scoop up all my loved ones and protect them myself. That's the irony of it all. I would do just that. What I have learned over the last 20 years is that it's not my job nor is it my business what others do. When I fully realized that, it was both devastating to me and liberating. When you can see the boundaries that should exist and adjust your own perception of the boundaries you have either instilled or been forced into, you have the opportunity to create your own safe boundaries for your own mental and emotional health.

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