My Thoughts

~Mercies in Diguise~ Showing mercy to others.............is there a message in this I need to hear? I bow my head in submission to HIS will and ask for mercy for my own transgressions. Hoping to find more clarity, I googled "mercies in disguise" and what I found were numerous blog postings about this song. Truly my amazement at only hearing it today for the first time is outdone by the amount of postings singing its praises. Lamentations 3:22-24 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." Many times I have been told that I am harder on myself than anyone else around me. My own perceived failure comes not from reality in the disapproval of others but rather in my own disappointment at myself. As I truly listened to this amazing song just now, I wondered why it was so easy for me to show mercy to o...

I delight in your failure, revel in your pain. For often I sense your leering glance casting judgement my way; In the darkness of envy, something sinister reigns. Seeking not clarity of light, I shy from the coming day.

~coming up for air~ There's a story I have been working on for almost ten years. "Coming up for Air"........a story of a woman literally holding her breath waiting for her life to begin again after a divorce. This morning a song continued to play in my head.........."Break on Through" by the Doors. Not sure what I am headed toward, but I do know I have to break through........it is time for me to stop holding my breath. My story used to be saved on the computer, but then the computer died. Luckily, I have most of it handwritten and pieces of it printed out. As soon as I find it, I intend to start working on it again. In the meantime, I did a google search of my title and found a George Orwell book by the same name..........I just downloaded it. I am sooo exhausted from holding my breath...............this process literally requires so much energy. As I was waiting for Kaitlyn to get out of a TAKS Academy to pick her up, my migraine making even movement painful, ...

~Vacation Day 4~ I slept in today, not getting out of bed until after 10 am (9 am CST). It has been a long time since I slept this late. It's another beautiful day here in Austin, cool and somewhat cloudy. As I get up and going, a John Wayne movie is on TCM, and the sounds of life hum in the background. Kaitlyn and I are planning a trip to Brenham and the Blue Bell Creamery. So, Melanie went along as well, and we went to Washington on the Brazos, the birthplace of Texas. It is, after all, the 175th Anniversary of Texas Independence. It is a beautiful place, very serene. Standing in the shade of very old and majestic oak trees, it is easy to see why so many were willing to fight for it. Nothing of the original Washington exists save a few posts and the original Independence Hall. Most of the buildings, including the homestead of Anson Jones, were moved to their current locations after the area was designated as historically significant. The trip to Brenham is truly worth the vi...

~Vacation Day 2~ As I woke this morning way too early for my first full day off, I realized that I should get out of bed and make the outmost of my vacation. I am totally excited that the doctor gave me a clean bill of health, but this "cold" still makes me a bit groggy. Day 2 has in store for me filling out job applications and updating my resume. Completely restless in my job and not having enough patience, I feel doors are shutting for me. I was talking with a trusted coworker about the disparity of my feelings...........on one hand, I really do like my job. On the other hand, it is not what I want to do with my career. He used this example. As a young man, he had a job working at an ice rink.............he says it was the most amazing job he has ever had: skating all the time, driving the zamboni, meeting different people. But, he wanted to be a policeman, and that was what he continued to work toward. This last two years of emotional growth for me has enabled me to stri...

~Vacation, Day 1~ Whew....complete freedom, relief from stress and responsibilities, and more importantly, free from worrying whether I am where I am supposed to be. My long vacation starts now, and as I sit waiting in the stillness of my late afternoon, the news reports of the devastation in Japan plays in the livingroom. Torn between following the news story or truly taking some time away from the world, I am enjoying the cool breezes through the window and the quiet. My heart belongs to education, and as I struggle with work lately, I shed real tears each time I say "I want to teach". Daring to dream, daring to verbalize a dream even, is difficult for me. Maybe I'm afraid it will never happen for me again. Maybe I'm afraid I've been lying to myself all these years as I've fought so hard to get certified. What is the true meaning of life??

~Tired and Angry~ I heard this song on Sunday as I drove home to visit my parents........the day was so beautiful and the countryside beginning to bloom. Today, however, reality sets in and I just feel completely patronized, ignored and absolutely alone. This song has been humming in my mind all day............so glad I found it with Kaitlyn's help. I need an escape....a chance to find my center. More on this later......................

For an idea I am working on about how justice and mercy are needed for healing to begin............stay tuned for more.

There is no video with this song..........so I am playing with some other ideas to have just an audio file. For now, just click play as you read the journal entry.......... David Gray's song "A Moment Changes Everything" is a longer term than "Epiphany"......but they are the same. Post Note: when I uploaded this video and the first couple lines, I had a very clean idea of what I wanted to say, but then from the save til now, I forgot what it was. I did, however, capture a sense of my thoughts. Although at this point I cannot recall the exact moment of epiphany, I have experienced one in the last couple weeks. Related also to the idea of "breaking through to the other side", the once happy harmony I felt at work disappeared, only to be replaced with a great sense of stress and conflict. In my moments of extreme despair, I continue to pray for direction, knowing that God will hold me securely during the transition. Holding onto something as it disso...

real simple - day 2 So, this morning dawns cool and overcast again........a wind ocassionally slips through the trees. Whitney is off to Explore UT for a school field trip, so I've been up earlier than I wanted. I decided to make breakfast............migas, juice, homemade chocolate chip muffins and coffee!! Yum, yum. The big bowl of homemade banana pudding is chillin' in the refrigerator. So many simple joys, the things that make me feel all is right with the world. An ever bigger treat is watching a Steve McQueen in "Nevada Smith". I have every intention of getting through this Jan 11 issue of Real Simple and maybe even accomplish a few scrapbook pages. I should be working on my grad class homework instead....................:) Jenny (Anar) and I went to Magnolia Cafe for a very late dinner last night after work, and as we talked about possibilities and the buzz of life in Austin, she remarked more than once she wanted to push me over the edge.........maybe because...

What is the one thing that makes you happy?? My newest indulgance, a simple pleasure really, is the magazine " Real Simple". The newsstand price is $4.99, but I often can pick up a month old version at Half Priced Books for $1.98 or less. The January 2011 issue has an article about what makes one happy. Charles Shulze said 50 years ago that simple things such as french fries and a warm puppy make him happy. Readers sent in a variety of responses. In reflection, I thought about my own list of what makes me happy, and I realized it has been quite a while since I journaled my list. 1. Days like today.........early spring when the weather is still cool enough to have the windows open and the song birds are out. 2. The sounds of life in my house..........the washer/dryer and hum of the refrigerator. 3. Sharing in my daughters' lives. 4. Cooking. 5. Long shadows in early dusk. 6. A really good book. The last one I read was Paulo Coelho's "11 minutes: A Novel". 7....