My Thoughts

It is a lazy, late February morning, the last Sunday in February this year.  I am puttering around the kitchen putting away things, straightening, enjoying my lukewarm lemon pepper water detox.  Well, I am enjoying the morning, maybe not the lukewarm lemon pepper detox water. It has been a very long time since I have felt seen, and recently, I met a man who has done just that.  So far, I feel stable, like I can take a long, slow approach and not try to pin my hopes and dreams on one person.  I was so afraid of jumping back in to the dating world.  The ending of my marriage was 20 years ago in July of this year.... 20 years; and in that time, I have only casually dated and never had a long term intimate relationship.  I worked really hard to be a strong presence for my  daughters, to build a future that I could inhabit alone, on my own terms. I won't lie; I'm terrified.  Personal and intimate relationships are so difficult for me, and I often flee instead of address my insecurit

      I am not ok.     I want to be, but I am not ok.     As the last, precious minutes of a weather induced 4 day weekend draw to an close, I sit in numbed silence trying to piece the mangled pieces of my life into a semblance of order.     I am not ok.     My heart aches for a world that existed once.  My soul bleeds for the chaos that faces so many in our country.  I keep hoping that I am overthinking it; I just don't feel that is true.       I am exhausted, and I am not ok.     No wonder the retreat of my precious home offers the only comfort lately.  Here, in contentedness, I can script my hours.  I chose music or movies that feed my soul.  I prepare healthy food to nourish and heal my body, and I shut out any and all intrusions with swift deliberations.     Exhaustion can do that.  It can blind reality.  Maybe it's my age or the unbearable weight of responsibility I bear - it seems to get harder and harder to find strength.  For the first time in my life, I struggle to fi