My Thoughts

"You can't do this to me," she screamed, her throat throbbing from suppressing the screams she desperately needed to expel from deep inside her. Thunder accented a brilliant lightening strike, and Deandra longed for the safe comfort of West Texas. Confused and angry, he hated himself for making her cry. He realized she had cried too much. She had turned her back to him, but even in the dark, he could tell she was crying uncontrollably. "Come inside, please." Almost as though she had forgot he was standing behind her, she continued her explanation. "I have worked so hard for my, my, for myself, to be someone you would want. There's no way you get to waltz into my life now, no way. You don't get to see!!!" How can I tell her? he thought. How do I say I was wrong? Jarvis struggled to find words to fill the void she described. "De, please?" "I fucking did nothing wrong, nothing, and you made me feel, u

I had not intended to do much blogging today, but then I read the daily blog on Women of Faith and I just had to take time to at least outline ((save the concept)) things I have wanted to say about forgiveness. I had a very long catchup talk with a second cousin of mine a couple of days ago. I thought I was dialing my nephew and got her instead, and it was a very amazing misdial. There are issues in our family about abuse, and for whatever reason that God paired us for that hour long talk, we both spoke about forgiveness. I learned some valuable lessons from my cousin.......mainly, that although I feel I have forgiven others, I somehow continue to blame and have not forgiven myself. **I will expand on this later.** -----------------------------------------------**** Update 6/7/14 The irony of this post from 3 1/2 years ago is that I had no idea the levels of abuse and forgiveness that would wind into my family's story in 2010.  So many things have chang

"I'm not ready to leave." Deandra leaned closer to him attempting to wrap her arms around him. Jarvis bristled, his normal stoic public self. She pushed forward anyway, some part of her realizing this would be the last time she saw him. "You are so much more than you realize, Jay. I am gonna miss you." He quickly hugged her, a forced smile on his face and then pulled away. He turned from her and took her bag from the trunk of the car. Deandra became vividly aware of all the activity around her: cabs dropping off people, long farewells, bags being checked in curbside and the roar of planes overhead. She could smell the air off the Delaware. "Call me when you land," he ordered. Deandra shook her head in agreement but knew she wouldn't comply. Although her visit had proved romantic, too many things were left unsaid. She had tried to talk about the issues most important to her, but Jarvis had a way of avoiding conversations by leading th

We are each responsible for our own happiness. Not only is it a complete lack of maturity to blame others when you are not happy, but is also the denial of the essence of humanity. How easy it is to look at another person and feel happiness is found anywhere but where you currently are. I can say all this because I have been that immature and not so great human who raged at the world and blamed others for my own unhappiness. Stress of course is the biggest culprit. So, too, are unreal expectations of life. The exceptional lesson from It's a Wonderful Life is that in the simplest of things lies the key to inner happiness. As George struggles to make do on a meager income while his friend Sam Wainright travels Europe in luxury, we see that being one small ripple is the greatest gift you can give. As Harry Bailey raises a toast to George at the end and says "to my brother George, the richest man in town", we know that wealth is seen in the impact of o

Christmas Eve 2010 The Birth of Jesus 1 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2 (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3 And everyone went to their own town to register. 4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5 He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them. 8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “D

TCM Remembered 2010 As a longtime movie fan, I am usually watching Turner Classic Movies. Melanie even says to me to have a good day off by stating, "grab some coffee and watch TCM". Today was the first time I had seen the 2010 Remembered and I thought I would truly cry. So many strong individuals passed in 2010, some I had not even known about such as Tony Curtis. Sadly, as I watched, all I could think about was the fact that nothing recently even competes with the classic stuff. I truly wonder what will happen with motion pictures when all the original powerhouses - from technical to directorial, actors to editors - are gone?? Some of those who passed in 2010 were big names and worked on some the most well known movies in motion picture history. A tribute to Hollywood.

Glancing impatiently at her watch again and the almost invisible availability of taxis, Deandra cursed under her breath realizing she might be late for her appointment. She reached into her coat pocket, retrieved her cell phone and was dialing a cab service when she heard her name cut through the bustle of the city and the rumble of thunder. Of all days, she thought, for the damn rain. Ring one………no taxis in sight coming down the busy roadway. Ring two. She stepped a little further toward the road carefully calculating how to step off the curb in her heels. “Deandra!” When she realized she had not imagined the voice, she turned toward the source and almost stumbled off the curb when she saw him standing there. It had been almost ten years, but she recognized Jarvis immediately. “De? It is you,” he smiled, stepping closer, his hand out to steady her. A whirl of emotions and thoughts flooded her mind. Ring three. “Allied Taxi,” the voice announced. Deandra cou

Original date:  December 9, 2010 By far one of my favorite songs, "Carol of the Bells" brings to mind crisp cold air and lights reflecting off the snow. In Texas, we do not see these things very often; in fact, in my lifetime, I can recall only 2-3 times that all these magical elements came together. It was not at Christmas time either. The closest experience in Texas I remember is standing in line in Burnet to enter Bethlehem . The smells from inside the walled city filter outward - wax, hay, baking bread. When I close my eyes and take a deep breath, I can almost transport myself to a Norman Rockwell ideal. My brother asked me last night if I liked Christmas or something........maybe it is the decorations, the constant music and only watching Christmas movies on cable. It is more than that, too. It is the reading of the Christmas story in Luke, the advent symbols, the holly and ivy..........and mostly thinking about how one small precious baby came into the world to sav

Have you seen her, the Sprite? She dwells in mist and mystery, but I have been unable to see her. The wind envies her laughter, so I fear she has ben whisked away, adrift in air, floating away from those who care so much for her. At times, I can almost sense her near and long to gaze into the veil of uncertainty to where she lives.  I know not why her world seems so much more magical and unattainable to me. Have you seen her, the Sprite? She dwells in mist and mystery, but I have been unable to see her. It is said that she can whisper happiness, so I fear that ones threatened by her innocence have conspired to banish her, to ensure the dark uncertainty that now prevails. At times, my breath catches, and I swear I hear her, and my soul reaches deep into some past moment hoping to linger in optimism and contentment.  So fleeting are those moments, so rare, that oft I doubt they happened at all. Have you seen her, the Sprite?

PATIENCE Heard a devotional this morning about patience from Women of Faith . Patience is one of those characteristics many of us feel we need to improve. From the word "macrothumia" meaning long fuse. There are two Greek words that lie behind the word “patience” that is used in the English New Testament. The word used here in Galatians 5:22 is macrothumia. It’s from two words thumia from the root thumos. Thumos most commonly is translated “anger.” It originally carried the idea of a violent movement of air, of water, or a violent movement in the ground or in animals or even humans. It carried the idea of something that boils up. Or something that goes up in smoke. I really believe women have the ability to be inspiring. A Christian woman can truly inspire others with patience, forgiveness and kindness. To me, these qualities help support and encourage others around me. I am struggling with the possibility that my not being promoted is a personality difference with

I was in love here..........completely.......no questions. Each image and smell intertwined within the rush of emotions in my heart to create vivid memories and all consuming hopes of a love fulfilled. My tormentor and my hope, Philadelphia represents so many things to me. Barely a day goes by that I don't think about him. Powerfully, Ihave attached too much to the idea of this place. So, Iam watching Christmas movies and thinking about Christmas in Philadelphia. Someday.