My Thoughts

She knew Quentin would not be home when she arrived.  A check of her many voice messages explained that he would be delayed at a client meeting.  Deandra hated walking into an empty condo, hated those lingering few minutes of absolute stillness ripe with potential chaos.  Her mind played over and over her egress earlier that day. Did I turn on the entry light? Did I turn off the flat iron? Did I lock the door? The elevator ride to the fifth floor was uneventful - only one passenger on at third carrying what looked like a yoga mat and dressed in work out clothes.  It reminded Deandra that several days had elapsed since her last visit to the rooftop gym, and she then added those thoughts to the others swirling, whispering, taunting her already. She had played her voice messages on the bus ride north while making mental notes. Claire's car was acting up again.  Sofia wanted to spend the summer in Texas. Her mom was planning a summer gathering. Her thirty y...

original date:  Feb 2011.  I found this "draft" and decided I'd do an update and publish. The last couple of weeks have been full of great stress for me. It all culminated on Friday with an announcement that a trainee at work I have worked with for eight weeks would be moved to train with my least qualified dispatcher. The reason is because the trainee says she cannot learn from me. Maybe it is my wounded pride or just my own exhaustion from consistent training for the last six months. I have not had barely a handful of days in the six months that I was not working dispatch while also training and handling my own administrative assigned duties. I am very curious how most people handle stress. I have actually spent too much time sleeping and doubting every ability I have. I internalize too much. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------***-------------- August 2012, 18 months later: During the time of the begi...

Static Control My last post whispered my struggle to let down walls and actually allow my feelings for Jeff room to grow. In anticipation of spending time with him, I had been so full of emotion as I blogged. His announcement at dinner harshly yanked the veil away from realities and sent me scrambling to cover behind the pieces of my once stabile fortress. He is moving to Florida. Even though my suspicions existed after his holiday trip to see his parents, I had tentatively ignored them. Not now. For a couple days now, I have stood in static.................unable to retreat, unable to push forward. We talk about feelings and the absurdity of meeting when we did. With compassion, I am unable to throw a fit about how sad and hurt I am, nor can I truly comfort Jeff in his own confusion. We have actually spent the last few days side stepping conversations. He tells me I should continue to date with the sentence trailing off..............I honestly have no idea my response sh...