My Thoughts

original date 3/9/14 I cried today, a good tear-filled, gasping for breath cry.  You know the ones -the ones that somehow cleanse your spirit. Profound loneliness suffocates me so completely that most days I crawl into bed hoping the darkness will consume me. I am so lonely and very afraid of just going through the motions each day.  There has to be more to life than this. This post, like so many others lately, is short............too short for what I had hoped to say.

Day 8 – Jan 21 I am exhausted today and not sure I can do this. But I know as soon as I say I can't, I can. I am good and mad. I am scared and unclear. Each day brings new challenges or brings the same challenges again and again. With every step forward, I swear there are 10 steps back. Today is more community service and a call from the doctor's office......chlamydia. It just gets better and better. I can do this...........I can do this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Whitney is struggling with this, and today, I broke down. I did break down. It was not pretty. Then Whitney had a break down and cried. We have been discussing lots and lots how to handle this current situation. Jack texted me to tell me he misses her. It's surreal that he shows her so much attention when he bipassed Melanie and at best ignores Whitney. I am completely caught in a spiderweb. When I heard Coldplay's “Trouble” a couple da...

"Jay, you know I don't drink liquor. You know what it does to..." He interrupted, "that's why I g In the Rain ave it to you. I have never seen you so upset. You really scared me." Moving closer to her, he put out his hand to help her off the settee. Glancing deeply into his eyes, she turned as a tinge of emotion welled up again. He leaned in and pushed her wet bangs out of her eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispered. His grip on her shoulder electrified her and firm enough that she knew he was serious. "Come on, I'll get you into a cab. I informed your assistant that you were not feeing well and going on; she will make your apologies for an abrupt departure." No!! she could feel herself screaming loudly, but only she could hear. Feeling her world crumble around her, she wanted to frantically grasp all the pieces and somehow hold them together. As she stood up, she could feel the effects of the brandy. Coupled with the glas...

"You can't do this to me," she screamed, her throat throbbing from suppressing the screams she desperately needed to expel from deep inside her. Thunder accented a brilliant lightening strike, and Deandra longed for the safe comfort of West Texas. Confused and angry, he hated himself for making her cry. He realized she had cried too much. She had turned her back to him, but even in the dark, he could tell she was crying uncontrollably. "Come inside, please." Almost as though she had forgot he was standing behind her, she continued her explanation. "I have worked so hard for my, my, for myself, to be someone you would want. There's no way you get to waltz into my life now, no way. You don't get to see!!!" How can I tell her? he thought. How do I say I was wrong? Jarvis struggled to find words to fill the void she described. "De, please?" "I fucking did nothing wrong, nothing, and you made me feel, u...