My Thoughts

In the last 30 years, I have often had this idealization of starving to death. I would actually imagine what it might be like to go for days without eating.  Somewhere in my mind,I figured if I could starve to death I would finally meet the approval of my mom, finally get someone to look at me because I wasn't chunky, and maybe finally have a relationship.  Maybe, finally, I'd be happy. We often say, "I'm starving to death"; and of course, if it's at 8 a.m.,  that means we're hungry; we are not literally starving today or are we? One of the most fascinating things to have happened to me in a while is developing this food intolerance and having to get rid of a lot of my normally eaten foods. There are days when I do feel like I am starving mainly because my calorie count is so low, and it's hard to find foods that are interesting to eat when you are limited the way I have become limited.  I am so grateful that my limitations are just an alle...

Day 4 of my "no refined sugar or wheat" experiment.........today is proving a bit more difficult than I want to admit.  Sugar.....my drug of choice.  What this means is that I have to literally change everything about my consumption habits.  And I mean everything. Admittedly, the hardest part will be for Whitney.  She has only asked for some sugar based food about a dozen or so times.  As I made the sweet tea, she had to pause to tell me she wanted her own pitcher of sweetened tea and explained how to make 2 pitchers of tea.  So so so funny. I had to take blueberries to my blood donation because all the blood bank offers is sugar and wheat products.  At the grocery store, I had to consistently return items to the shelf because in the ingredient somewhere was wheat, oat or sugar.  While Whitney had a sandwich, I made meat and cheese roll-ups with a cup of broccoli cheddar soup.  And I do not like unsweetened tea, but I was tired of drinkin...

Beware prayers..............seriously. Not to make light of prayer because I believe in the power of prayer, but I was given some information yesterday that sorta shook me out of complacency.  I have been praying for years for help in my fight against my extra weight.  As long as my blood pressure, cholesterol and sugar levels have been good, I have arrogantly been able to prolong the serious discussion about loosing weight and working out. I can provide the correct answers when asked................a healthy life includes exercise and healthy eating, but I have been unable to walk the talk.  The reasons are deeply personal and numerous, reasons I have shared with very few.  I, like many others, am a creature of denial, and I have known for a long time that the only way I'd truly get my act together would be at the benefit of my own health. It's a truly dangerous arrogance here.....................pushing myself to the point of poor health, living in denial. ...

It's the first day of Advent, and I overslept on the one Sunday I could actually attend church. Even though I have every intention of attending the "hanging of the greens" tonight, there is some part of me that feels complete abject guilt for not being at Sunday service on the one Sunday I am actually not working. My guilt comes in knowing that the strong connectedness I once had to the very legalistic aspect of the Methodist church has transcended into a deeper connection to my Savior. I remember also that the rituals became for me an auto response to a life I felt completely imprisoned in. Somewhere is my journal entry about the gilded cage............."oh I know why the caged bird sings." And then, in a breath, the guilt dissipates. The few rare moments of family togetherness afforded us in this crazy world are more priceless to me than the strength of the guilt. Today, I also restarted the calorie counting. Not sure why I have had such a hard year staying fo...

It has been 3 weeks since I took time to blog. There are many reasons for this. Mainly, I was preparing for and then enjoying my mini-vacation to the Poconos with Jay. I can say that I totally do not understand female/male relationships and that I am more than ready to throw in the towel. And then along comes. . . my inner heart. O o o............My inner heart is so hopelessly in love with the idea of someone wanting me. My inner heart, whom I have named Taylor, is just so sweet and idealistic and cannot believe that anything other than the idealism exists. She is my strongest opponent. When I take charge and make great strides to move forward, Taylor jumps in and ruins it all. As a consequence, I completely blew my diet today. I have cried constantly for a week, and I am just about at the end of my wits on how to cope with the sheer stupidity Taylor employees. On top of that, Taylor joins forces with Candace and those two will surely destroy everything I have tried to build....