My Thoughts

It's been over 3 years since I felt anything close to joy................the last holiday season that I felt excited and optimistic was 2012, and as I pondered that fact this morning, I realized that I had to do a great deal of faking through that holiday.  The sense of joy lingered in the shadows, but it had not completely disappeared. Maybe it's joy I miss.  When I write about missing a person, maybe it is joy. I used to save the little metal round lids on frozen juice containers.  I had a stack of about 40 of them.  In 2012, I decorated the lids with black / white photos of our family members.  The ornaments turned out so cute.  What stands out about the project now is that I didn't even complete my original plan. It's my own fault that joy has left me.  I didn't guard / protect it enough.  Too late did I make it the priority. A friend posted this on FB, and it pretty much summed up what I needed to do instead of dwelling on what I th...

You must devote yourself to prayer with an open mind and a grateful heart. What are you devoted to? What gets the most of your time and attention? We should devote ourselves to our walk in our faith and devotion to prayer and service. We get so sidetracked - you know those detours - lost sometimes, even that we forget where we're going.  It's easy to do. Somehow each of us needs a daily reminder, the daily devotion, that allows us to remember what we should be doing. At times, we can each be the prodigal.  I remember the first time I read the story.  Asking myself if I possibly had ever been - or even currently was - a prodigal, I realized that each day we are all the prodigal.  In life, we are struggling on each step of our journey.............struggling for truth, direction, confidence, patience, faith...........the list is endless.  So much negative talk enters into our path, and we soon find ourselves on a horribly destruction detour. ...

Do things ever work out for people?  I mean, do people actually get things they plan for, try for, hope for?  Because in my experience that is not the reality.  My plans never seem to happen the way I foresee or the way I want them to.  Consistently, I "roll with the flow".  Every plan I make doesn't happen by any of my parameters.  Surprisingly, it all turns out ok.  I can handle it. Today I had a very definite plan of what would happen - where I would go, what would happen when I got there what time I would leave and go to the next thing.  I have one late start day a week at work, so I can take care of some business matters in those three hours.  Not today. Needless to say I'm "rolling with the flow". I am handling the fact that my plans did not happen the way I needed them to happen.  It is characteristic of my life right now. I make a plan, and the plan doesn't happen.  I just make do with what I have on hand.  I ...

I have waited such a long time for you; and now as you have returned to my life, I am breathless in complete joy.  It has been such an incredibly long absence. Today, my heart lept at a happy ending in a movie.  I had not seen this movie before, but had remember seeing the trailer for it.   Return to Me with Minnie Driver and David Duchovny from 2000 is such a sweet story of love and hope.  I am adding it to my list of movies that restore a sense of faith in love and happiness.  It has taken me so long to be able to look at happy couples and not feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and sadness.  I not only believe in "happily ever after"; but more importantly, I believe that the world would be a better place if more people ascribed to my view.  Having hope in something like "happily ever after" creates a blind devotion to an ideal.  This is important because we spend too much of our effort devoted to material things, to other people; worse, many...

 For 8 straight years I have applied and interviewed for teaching jobs in the Austin area; I have added additional certifications; attended professional developments, job fairs, sent handwritten letters to principals with professional portfolios.  I hired a coach to help with interviewing strategies / techniques and have had my resume revamped by a professional.  I have sent "thank you" notes after interviews, even asked interviewers for input.  I am very exhausted from all this.  For whatever reason, this career path is not meant to be.  As painful as it is, I have decided to abandon this dream.  I no longer have the emotional ability to question it but instead accept it on blind faith. Thirteen years ago when my life took a sudden and drastic detour, I was left scrambling for some sense of normalcy.  There were many days at the beginning when I wanted to give up.  I didn't.  Instead, I re-envisioned a future and set about creating it...

As I sat correcting mistakes on data entries at work yesterday, I was amused by the irony of the situation in several contexts of my life.  Having been the auditor at a previous job, I fully understood then and now the stress on others having work scrutinized.  Being in the hot seat this time, I had to laugh at the absurdity of it all.  More importantly, I knew that having a chance for someone else to critically review my work allows me to experience the stress, maybe even agitation, others have often felt with my analysis.  In many ways, the current family situation with my middle daughter is similar. At 16, she thinks she has all the answers;  she thinks she is grown.  It is almost too cliche to even say. Parents of teenagers fully understand.  It is not that I naively believed I had some magic answer and could forgo teenage angst with my daughters; it is not even that time seemed to leap forward too quickly for me to grasp; rather, I feel shock,...

My Grown Up Christmas List Have you heard the song? As the song plays in my mind, I think of all the things I would tell the person I love completely.  I want to believe in something bigger than myself...............the true magic of the holiday season. Faith can sometimes be the hardest thing.....believing in something unseen.  As the cool, crisp air envelopes our area and the light drizzles make all lights truly glisten, I want to lay under my tree and just imagine a magical world the way I once did. This year I had an opportunity to see my future in some weird haze..........my daughters grown up and on their own, and me, alone.  My loneliness consumes me during what used to be my favorite holiday.  So, my grown up Christmas list is this:  for the world to accept each other where and when we are; for hunger, famine, fear, sadness, illness........to be removed from the human condition; I wish that the economy improves and no one suffers due to pollutants...

I had not intended to do much blogging today, but then I read the daily blog on Women of Faith and I just had to take time to at least outline ((save the concept)) things I have wanted to say about forgiveness. I had a very long catchup talk with a second cousin of mine a couple of days ago. I thought I was dialing my nephew and got her instead, and it was a very amazing misdial. There are issues in our family about abuse, and for whatever reason that God paired us for that hour long talk, we both spoke about forgiveness. I learned some valuable lessons from my cousin.......mainly, that although I feel I have forgiven others, I somehow continue to blame and have not forgiven myself. **I will expand on this later.** -----------------------------------------------**** Update 6/7/14 The irony of this post from 3 1/2 years ago is that I had no idea the levels of abuse and forgiveness that would wind into my family's story in 2010.  So many things have chang...

Ever hear the expression "selective hearing"? I am sure everyone has. It is true. We can selectively hear things. We each have that awesome power. What you choose to hear has a lot to do with the information you are inputting into your brain. Somehow, you have to hear only the truth. Part of this is attached to your eyes as well. It is not good enough to close the eyes during a commercial if you leave the volume up. Probably the hardest part for me is to hear only positive comments about myself. Ephesians 6: 10 - 18 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day. 1 Thessalonians 5:8 But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and for a helmet the hope of salvation. An officer I worked with at Brownwood PD provided me these examples on how to withstand the attempts of the enemy to undermine us. Each day, I have to visualize myself, like a policeman, putting on all my def...