My Thoughts

I hear you, and in a few of the tiniest moments, I can almost reach through the void and touch you. My sorrow knows no bounds as I grieve for you, as I must let go. I am so sorry that I cannot bring you and your sweet dreams to reality. Your smile is so bright, so vibrant in my memory, and I feel your innocence in all that is good and shiny. I have failed you. I have failed so many others. I have failed to be a good mother, daughter, wife or friend. Despair plagues my days and haunts my sleep as images of all those I've loved and lost swirl in my tortured mind. My feeble attempts to hold my life together with tape and glue finally stop, and I am left with the jumbled mess that is me - nothing around me left intact. A prayer echoes among the debris:  CONFESSION AND PARDON  Merciful God, we confess that we have not loved you with our whole heart. We have failed to be an obedient church. We have not done your will, we have broken your law, we have rebel...

Day 8 – Jan 21 I am exhausted today and not sure I can do this. But I know as soon as I say I can't, I can. I am good and mad. I am scared and unclear. Each day brings new challenges or brings the same challenges again and again. With every step forward, I swear there are 10 steps back. Today is more community service and a call from the doctor's office......chlamydia. It just gets better and better. I can do this...........I can do this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Whitney is struggling with this, and today, I broke down. I did break down. It was not pretty. Then Whitney had a break down and cried. We have been discussing lots and lots how to handle this current situation. Jack texted me to tell me he misses her. It's surreal that he shows her so much attention when he bipassed Melanie and at best ignores Whitney. I am completely caught in a spiderweb. When I heard Coldplay's “Trouble” a couple da...

Brrr......It's Getting Cold Again! I truly find it ironic that when I make up my mind about something, things change immediately. The situation with Jeff is a prime example. Life is amazing and crazy all jumbled with peace and calm. Today is the funeral for the mother of one of Kaitlyn's classmates. Such a heartbreaking situation. It has put me in a strange and numb place. There are truly days when I feel the weight of the whole world on my shoulders, and at the point when I feel I need to collapse, I see the eyes of my wonderful daughters upon me. I must persevere always. Usually, it is not until I am alone in my room that the tears of pain and sadness finally come. Today will be one of those days, again. I must hold on tight without breaking, waiting with breath held until I can close the world off and just disappear.

01.04.2008 Where Am I?? Finally, we talked last night, and in complete longing, I thought so many things about where we both are...........so far apart. We've always been this far apart, and I just never would believe it. I've spent 2 years of my life so in love with you, or rather, the idea of you, that I couldn't breathe. My heart hurts beyond anything I have ever felt. Where am I?? Where is that special, funny, warm and sweet person you met?? I can almost hear her screaming, "let me in", and I am trapped, afraid. She falls in love so easily, gets hurt so often and cannot live with her own disappointments. But oh!!! How wonderful that feeling...............of loving someone so much you can't breathe. Well, you might not care about where I am, where I've been. I know you never have, and I needed the final clarification on that point. You gave that to me last nite. But, oh, oh, oh!! I, even through the pain and burning tears, am so much better ...