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Showing posts with the label exhaustion

Independence Day Celebrations

Today is July 3; It has been a long and very lazy day................I don't do so well with boredom. Had 3 women stop by to witness to me and ask me to bible study tomorrow. Their big point was that God can be female, too, as the mother, and we read together out of revelations. Kate, Whit and I went to Sonic for happy hour to get patriotic slushes, but only Kate got a red slush............and it was so hot we had to come home instead of sit and talk.  We wouldn't have done much talking anyway as the girls got into one of their persistent and angry spats.  Whit and Kate are constantly on each other's nerves, each making the other mad by the mere act of breathing. Everything makes Kate mad.  She hates the dog and the food I cook.  She hates our music and our boring life where all we seem to do is read.  But, her anger and rage are better than her self-destructive days of drug use and wasting to nothingness.  Whit is right, I tend to try to give K...
There are so many things that I want to say and I don't even know where to begin. I am so tired. I am tired of so much that there are just not enough words to make a list. I want to believe in something bigger than myself, but try as I might, I just can't believe in anything. And to top it all off this stupid voice recognition is taking longer - it's taking forever to post so that I have to pause in between thoughts which I don't want to do. There is something missing in my life. It is in my soul or in my mind or in my heart. It is something missing ,something that is just not there anymore I don't want to run around in circles trying to find it. I know that's not productive, but I desperately want to fill the void because the void hurts. I am trying every day to write my 1000 words hoping that in all the writing I will rediscover my voice that I know has been lacking. There is just not enough time in the day to write and teach and ment...
Dazed, confused and other musings........ Like a stealth fog creeping into sunshine, silence stalks, threatening to continue its perpetual torture of my sanity. Heavy laden, my mind searches for solutions and instead finds bitter agony and seering jealousy. Just when I think I can finally breathe, rest my weariness in optimism, the cycle repeats itself and I sucumb, drowing in misunderstandings and isolation. I want to get lost completely in Chagall, to find my wedding veil the center of my own life's portrait. Instead, I feel the red and black swirls of Munich's "The Scream" seduce and capture me, hauntingly whispering, "you will never get out." When passion and dedication become the chains of despair, what then? How to reconcile a character trait to its disruptive foundations........my mind swirls around so many possibilities, and in complete exhaustion, I want to curl into a world of my own understanding, of my own making. No longer do I wish to be a mere...