My Thoughts

*Dealing with sick kids and stress* Well, the new year is off to a chaotic start. I have missed the first 2 days back to work because Whitney is home sick. She has missed her first 2 days back to school. Oh oh oh the makeup work. Add to the sick daughter the enormous amount of stress of coping with expenses and budgets and trying to pay for it all. Luckily, I have very little holiday expenses, but this year we had a serious family medical emergency @ Thanksgiving with my stepdad's stroke that added to an already very stretched budget. Maybe it's just me thinking too much.....I have many wonderful things in my life to be grateful for, so instead of dwelling on the stress, I intend to let go and truly let God. I have this "rule of 3"........when three stessors happen close together, I have to shut out the rest of world in order to deal with them. A stressor is something like not feeling well, a flat tire, a sick child, a maintenance issue, ect. Today, I am ...

On being sick and other life lessons............. I truly hate being sick; I imagine most people do. Sickness robs a person of many things, including confidence, focus and even faith. At this point, I am on week 4 of this illness and not even sure how long I've actually had pneumonia. Mojo, rythm, game.............these are the feelings that you are right.......doing what you need to when you need to.

Illness and Isolation I have to make a choice very soon about dropping my class since I've been so sick and unable to complete the class requirements. Not sure why I feel like such a failure for being unable to complete this right now...........even though I know that I have done a good job considering I have been dealing with pnuemonia. I truly feel very alone. Even as I write, I ask myself why I am pushing myself so much, why I am so hard on myself. I am not even sure where my ideas of perfection come from or why it is so important to me to complete graduate school. It's definetely not what I thought it would be. Terrified to dream anymore...........this was my last dream for myself. As I watch it crumble before me, I know there is a bigger story unveiling, something beautiful that will bloom in the rubble. But right now, my pain and disappointment so great I scarce can breathe. Recently, I saw a documentary on the rebuilding of London after WWII. In the rubble grew these bri...

Troubled It has been a very surreal weekend............Kaitlyn turning 15, Melanie finishing moving out and Whitney growing up before my eyes. I spent my Saturday in bed most of the day feeling horrible, probably the result of food poisoning. I have no idea where I am right now in my life or where I am headed. Feeling completely disjointed, depression has set in. Cymbalta commercials play repeatedly on LMN.......Guy calls this channel evil. For a while in my fevered sleeping, I felt an immense sense of guilt for lying in bed. As the time on my alarm clock ticked the day away, I barely remember how events unfolded. At one point, I remembered the big birthday parties the girls used to have complete with tons of family and friends, the cake, icecream and food. I wondered if Kaitlyn remembered them too, worried that she would be so disappointed that I was sick on her 15th b'day. Today, Kaitlyn is in bed sick, and I am moving way too slow. Her red velvet cake with candles sits on...