My Thoughts

  I know, I know......it's unbearable how long it's been since I was here last.  I have definitely neglected you with blatant disregard.  Forgive me.  It is gloriously Autumn outside; can you sense it?  I mean, like fully, sense it??  This is my absolutely favorite type of day. I am cooking slowly over the week.  I have my tablet on its cute, lil', decorative easel watching "The Price is Right" and enjoying my second cup of coffee.  Autumn scented candles are lit around the house, and I am having pumpkin baked oats for breakfast.  This is the warmest, gooiest thing I've ever eaten, and I fully intend to make this a regular recipe in my life........healthy and yummy. I've thought about you so much lately, and I have missed our times together more than you can imagine.  Well, maybe not more.....maybe you feel the same way. I fear that if I don't make our relationship a true priority, I will wake up at the end of my life and regret its pass...

I had that dream again last night, and oh, my soul mourns this morning that the dream could not last.  He was there, again.  He loved me, again.  That haunting feeling lurks, just inside the veil of morning creeping over the horizon. We were young attorneys - he from the good family, me from the trailer park.  It's a classic Southern Gothic theme, and one I have not experienced in my dreams before.  Normally, I exist on an equal social field.  Curious! Maybe there is something in this new theme.  As he stood his ground with his father and with his fellow attorneys from similar social backgrounds, my heart soared; I felt truly loved and wanted. I have never experienced that feeling in my real life - wanted and loved. I have always made compromises to believe in something wonderful; compromises that eventually weakened and revealed the fragility in the relationship.  As I woke this morning, the feeling of desire, of love and acceptance linge...

“9 1 1, what’s the address of your emergency?” the call taker asked as he casually answered the phone. “Sam? Samantha?” a nervous voice asked in whispered tones. “9 1 1, what’s the address of your emergency?” the call taker asked again, growing a bit impatient. It was well after midnight, and the phones had been slow this evening, but the call taker was pulling a double and had been at work for over 12 hours. He was not in the mood for a prank call. “I’m lookin’ for Sam Vickers,” the voice trembled. The call taker grunted, “This is 9 1 1. Do you have an emergency?” “Sam Vickers?” the voice whispered. The call taker rolled his eyes and muted his phone. Leaning back in his chair to round the wall of his tiny cubicle, he yelled down the way toward his supervisor. “Someone on 9 1 1 is asking for you, Sam.” Samantha stepped into a vacant cubicle and plugged in her headset. “9 1 1, what’s the address of your emergency?” “I’m lookin’ for Sam.” “You found her. What’s t...

I originally posted this on Kaitlyn's blog, but decided I wanted to put it on both blogs. Today is July 4, the birthday of the wonderful nation of the United States.  I am not sure what this great and wonderful nation will be like in 20 years, 40 years.............but I do know that at some point, each of my daughters will reflect backward to a time when was I was strong and vital and try to put their confused memories into place.  As I took Murphy for his morning walk, the outline for this entry formed into my mind.  Kate came to visit this week, so at times, I had all 3 girls together under the same roof again.  Even though it was only for a few hours at a time, it brought back so many happy memories for me.  For the girls, it brought a wave of resentment and anger. To my beautiful daughters, please know that for many, many years you will reflect backward onto points of your young adult lives and even into your childhood and feel a tidal wave of emotions t...

I had a professional development for two hours in the library yesterday morning,and I was kind of distracted by all the books on the shelf.  Remembering my first impression of a library so many years ago and thinking about how my love of books has grown over the years, I decided to record some thoughts about it all. Austin has an amazing library system, and you can get books electronically delivered to your reading device; or you can have books delivered to your nearest location from any other location in the city. With millions of different books available, I really have just had a revival of going to the library in the last couple of years.  It's thrilling. I read The Book Thief  recently.  One of the attractions for me to the book and then the movie was this young girl's desire, this almost unquenchable thirst, for books.  As her story played out in Nazi Germany, I could remember my own feelings sometimes that books were forbidden to me. I love lookin...

I have waited such a long time for you; and now as you have returned to my life, I am breathless in complete joy.  It has been such an incredibly long absence. Today, my heart lept at a happy ending in a movie.  I had not seen this movie before, but had remember seeing the trailer for it.   Return to Me with Minnie Driver and David Duchovny from 2000 is such a sweet story of love and hope.  I am adding it to my list of movies that restore a sense of faith in love and happiness.  It has taken me so long to be able to look at happy couples and not feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and sadness.  I not only believe in "happily ever after"; but more importantly, I believe that the world would be a better place if more people ascribed to my view.  Having hope in something like "happily ever after" creates a blind devotion to an ideal.  This is important because we spend too much of our effort devoted to material things, to other people; worse, many...

For some reason I thought about you all day. I really miss you, miss so much I barely can breathe.  I miss our conversations, our time together, and I miss how optimistic and joyful I was because I haven't been like that since we broke up.  II hope you're okay; I hope you found everything you want; I am still searching. Some days the pain is just too much to bear; most of the time I can forget that I loved someone so completely and felt like he loved me back. I don't know if I'll ever have that again For now, my life moves forward.  I have work responsibilities and my children.  I am trying to rebuild a sense of myself that I haven't seen for a long time.  I want to be optimistic and joyful again.

As I sat correcting mistakes on data entries at work yesterday, I was amused by the irony of the situation in several contexts of my life.  Having been the auditor at a previous job, I fully understood then and now the stress on others having work scrutinized.  Being in the hot seat this time, I had to laugh at the absurdity of it all.  More importantly, I knew that having a chance for someone else to critically review my work allows me to experience the stress, maybe even agitation, others have often felt with my analysis.  In many ways, the current family situation with my middle daughter is similar. At 16, she thinks she has all the answers;  she thinks she is grown.  It is almost too cliche to even say. Parents of teenagers fully understand.  It is not that I naively believed I had some magic answer and could forgo teenage angst with my daughters; it is not even that time seemed to leap forward too quickly for me to grasp; rather, I feel shock,...

Finally, I can breath.  Peacefully, without thought, I can inhale all that is around me and not feel like I am suffocating in twisted emotions; but, I still miss you so much it hurts.  You are in every sound, every smell, every sight in this city.   I have tried to run, to hide among places and people I thought would distract me........but unfortunately, nothing has worked.  The last few months have been filled with tortured anguish as I succumbed to all the weathered emotions and in complete submission let myself grieve over you.  Repeatedly I have heard the slighted whispers that I have anguished too often, that the importance I have foolishly assigned to my feelings far outweighs the importance you placed.  None of this matters, as each person lives on definitions of their own design.  Whether is was you or the close embodiment of an ideal I secretly possessed, our time together awakened within me an eagerness tinged with ecstasy...

October mornings in the hill country are breathe taking, and as Deandra sat on her deck watching the sun rise over the hills, the light chill in the air was kept at bay by the handmade quilt her grandmother had given to her on her wedding day many years before.  Her mind drifted to him. . . always to him, not the man she had married, but the one her soul longed for.  Her mp3 player shuffled to Train's "Marry Me", and she could not stop the waves of emotion.  Knowing she should change the song and steer her memories and her longings in other directions, she instead closed her eyes.  Taking a deep breath, she held it and forced all of herself to another time and place, a sweet and happy place where she was deeply in love. She had changed her clothes so many times that she couldn't remember what she had tried on originally and her bed was covered with a small mountain of silky or lacy things in an array of colors.  Looking down at the shoes she wanted to w...

Thanksgiving 2011

The true measure of LOVE It's my birthday..........and I have had an outpouring of support from family and friends. Even Kaitlyn sent me a text message. Sometimes, with your own children, knowing the depths of their love escapes notice. As a mother, I do understand that the bond between a mother and child defies definition. Not sure why I feel that each and every moment in my life must contain a Hallmark moment, but I admit that days when the mundane and even the chaos consumes my sanity, I long for the Hallmark moment. And then, magically, there it is...........the handmade birthday card or the cake that Whitney took extra care to make.

Nicole Nordeman and Amy Grant have this truly beautiful song that speaks sweetly to my heart. When I hear it, I feel God's presence inside reassuring me that I am loved. I was moved to tears a couple days ago listening to it. Life is sooooo beautiful............truly, it is. We complicate it. All I want to do is get lost so completely in my Savior: His power, love, grace and in His word. What exists in this world has no promise. Placing value on wordly situations only separates us from God's intended grace and compassion for us. I have been missing my Melanie lately. I cannot believe she is grown and on her own. My lil' projects make me happy................my shabby chic afghan, my shabby chic angels. Studying even does not seem as difficult as it has in the past.

Deandra forced her mind back to the current time and place as the hotel door closed behind her. Here in her hotel room with her things around her, she could finally allow her tears to flow. She thought she'd soon collapse on the bed, and she was a bit startled that only a few tears made their way down her rain soaked face. She knew that the screams in the rain had really spent her energy, and coupled with the brandy, her emotions began to finally settle. Reaching into the mini-bar, she withdrew a bottle of tequila and downed it quickly before she could change her mind. She decided a long shower would complete her relaxation, and she couldn't resist the routine of lighting candles and dimming lights. What the hell? she thought. Reaching into the mini-bar again, she decided on another tequila. This time, however, she decided she'd enjoy it over ice with a splash of salt and savor it as the shower soothed away all the negative energy. She could not get him out of he...

-Imitation of Life- One of my all time favorite movies, Imitation of Life (1959) with Lana Turner as a single mom who makes it big. Despite some very cliche racial commentaries, the underlying themes of justice and love prevail. The orginal 1934 version with Claudette Colbert is also good but romantices more. Today, the movie plays foremost in my mind, especially Delilah's funeral when her hateful daughter Sarah Jane bursts into the procession crying and claiming love her deceased mohter. Somedays, it seems like no matter how much I love my daughter, no matter how much I pray for her, she has ideas in her mind about what the world is and how she interacts with it so completely opposite from my own.

~Tired and Angry~ I heard this song on Sunday as I drove home to visit my parents........the day was so beautiful and the countryside beginning to bloom. Today, however, reality sets in and I just feel completely patronized, ignored and absolutely alone. This song has been humming in my mind all day............so glad I found it with Kaitlyn's help. I need an escape....a chance to find my center. More on this later......................

Jarvis found himself seated at a table with people he didn't know, miscellaneous benefactors or historical society persons. He tried to maintain small talk, but his mind continued to drift a thousand miles away across years to Austin and the vibrant Texas beauty with an intoxicating drawl. Jarvis?" she asked, extending her delicate pale hand to him. "You look just like what Constance said you would," she smiled. As his dark hand took hers, he caught a hint of perfume, the soft silkiness of her skin inviting, and he remembered she had a very firm handshake. "It's so nice to finally meetcha," Deandra said slowly casting her pale blue eyes downward and then angling them up slightly as the slow smile crossed her face. Intellectually, he had been mesmerized during their two week email exchange......her ability to discuss a wide range of topics impressed him. She was a natural storyteller with words, creating interest and making points so effortless...

Troubled It has been a very surreal weekend............Kaitlyn turning 15, Melanie finishing moving out and Whitney growing up before my eyes. I spent my Saturday in bed most of the day feeling horrible, probably the result of food poisoning. I have no idea where I am right now in my life or where I am headed. Feeling completely disjointed, depression has set in. Cymbalta commercials play repeatedly on LMN.......Guy calls this channel evil. For a while in my fevered sleeping, I felt an immense sense of guilt for lying in bed. As the time on my alarm clock ticked the day away, I barely remember how events unfolded. At one point, I remembered the big birthday parties the girls used to have complete with tons of family and friends, the cake, icecream and food. I wondered if Kaitlyn remembered them too, worried that she would be so disappointed that I was sick on her 15th b'day. Today, Kaitlyn is in bed sick, and I am moving way too slow. Her red velvet cake with candles sits on...

~ Conviction ~ My 2011 word is conviction and as I drove into work this morning, I listened as K-LOVE and Lisa and Eric sharing stories about the one word so many others had chosen, my own choice came to mind, and I wondered that I had not done much in the first month of 2011 with it.

"I'm not ready to leave." Deandra leaned closer to him attempting to wrap her arms around him. Jarvis bristled, his normal stoic public self. She pushed forward anyway, some part of her realizing this would be the last time she saw him. "You are so much more than you realize, Jay. I am gonna miss you." He quickly hugged her, a forced smile on his face and then pulled away. He turned from her and took her bag from the trunk of the car. Deandra became vividly aware of all the activity around her: cabs dropping off people, long farewells, bags being checked in curbside and the roar of planes overhead. She could smell the air off the Delaware. "Call me when you land," he ordered. Deandra shook her head in agreement but knew she wouldn't comply. Although her visit had proved romantic, too many things were left unsaid. She had tried to talk about the issues most important to her, but Jarvis had a way of avoiding conversations by leading th...