Work in Review

As I sat correcting mistakes on data entries at work yesterday, I was amused by the irony of the situation in several contexts of my life.  Having been the auditor at a previous job, I fully understood then and now the stress on others having work scrutinized.  Being in the hot seat this time, I had to laugh at the absurdity of it all.  More importantly, I knew that having a chance for someone else to critically review my work allows me to experience the stress, maybe even agitation, others have often felt with my analysis.  In many ways, the current family situation with my middle daughter is similar.

At 16, she thinks she has all the answers;  she thinks she is grown.  It is almost too cliche to even say. Parents of teenagers fully understand.  It is not that I naively believed I had some magic answer and could forgo teenage angst with my daughters; it is not even that time seemed to leap forward too quickly for me to grasp; rather, I feel shock, even awe, at the process itself.  If I have done a good job raising Kaitlyn, then she and I will weather our current storm and come out on the other side stronger and healthier.  That's the fear.  When we put effort into something and hand it off for review, we panic and want to grab it back.  We believe we need to look it over one more time.

Trusting that we have done a good job demands faith in ourselves and what we believe.  It also means knowing that perfection is impossible.  In the last couple years, I have also discovered that two people with the same understanding of a vision can reach a goal in two very different and unique ways.  For many years, I spent so much time defending the path I chose, thinking others were criticizing my vision.  Until recently, I took any questions about my choices as criticisms.  This is a lesson I wish I had learned 20 years ago.  Sometimes others just want to know how we reached the same destination on a different path.

Of course, there are those among us who will always be negative and deflate any positive gesture.  These people are extremely exhausting if we lack faith in our vision or our process.  These negatives will always take every situation and find the bad in it.  I am as guilty as anyone else of treading against others in my life.  Maturity demands that as we realize our transgressions, we seek to right them.  Matthew 6:12 says and forgive us our shortcomings as we also have forgiven those who have failed in their duty towards us.

On my way to work this morning with the impending cold front bearing down on the Austin metro area, the taillights of traffic reflected magically, and for a few moments, I felt transported to another time, namely a week ago when Kaitlyn still lived at home with me.  Her departure to live with her father has been sadly haunting.  It is the worst feeling I have ever encountered...........having a child reject me.  Each breath I take utters a prayer to God for guidance, because I am completely lost.  Self-pity had joined me in my journey, and for a few moments, I thought about the comfort of my old friend.  As I was mentally calculating my options, Big Daddy Weave's song "Redeemed" came on K-LOVE.  Oh my!  Several times in the last few days I have powerfully felt the Holy Spirit by my side, and through my misty eyes, I saw Self-pity vanish and the gloom of the morning returned to a sparkle instead.  Thank God, I am redeemed.

With the Holy Spirit comforting my bruised sadness, I was able to pray this beautiful song to Kaitlyn.  I would not want her to spend one moment in regret.  Accepting responsibility and being able to forgive the situation is not regret; so I want her to be filled with optimism and forgiveness instead.  A friend assured me recently that in second guessing my choices, in trying to understand how I affect the outcomes of situations, I am being a good mother and friend.  It's not something I hear often............that I am doing a good job.  Honestly, people have said these things to me;  I have just been unwilling to hear.  Forgiveness must extend to ourselves.  I must trust the vision and processes of others around me, especially when these angels in disguise enter my world to grant me comfort or direction.