My Thoughts

Coming up empty In the land of plenty Never ending days And  tortured nights Struggling just to struggle No chance in the fight Round and round she goes; Where she stops . . . Jaded now but once so real, She’s always working, making deals With life and fate, her frenemies, Reaching beyond merely what she sees. Coming up empty In the land of plenty Gruelling , thankless days And long, sleepless nights; Struggling just to struggle No chance in the fight; Round and round she goes… Orchestral music and greasy fries Grasping at nothing, too late to realize The twin deniers fate and life Throw the game, create the strife; Round and round she goes… One bill paid but two past due; Looking always for one lost shoe Life promises, but then fate steps in Blocking all her attempts for just one win; Round and round she goes… Coming up empty In the land of plenty; Bored, apathetic days And pain filled nights Stru...

draft date 03/10/2015 I'll look at the people in the new clothes and the shiny cars, and I wonder what did they do to deserve that. I look at the people standing on the side of the road asking for a handout, and I wonder what did they do do to deserve that. I feel less that our lives are earned and more that our lives are just a strange twist of fate. My life feels like a complete failure.  Truly, I feel completely incompetent. I wish I could say I have never been here before; but I can't, because sadly, I've been here all too often. And that voice that whispers, "Let it go; give it to me," tries desperately to comfort me; sadly I can get so little comfort from that lately. I feel worthless, helpless and lost. There was a time when I had a vision, a direction, a purpose. As I edit this piece now almost a month later, I find it difficult to recreate the voice and tone of my original intent.  Writing is like that.  In my very tattered journ...

 For 8 straight years I have applied and interviewed for teaching jobs in the Austin area; I have added additional certifications; attended professional developments, job fairs, sent handwritten letters to principals with professional portfolios.  I hired a coach to help with interviewing strategies / techniques and have had my resume revamped by a professional.  I have sent "thank you" notes after interviews, even asked interviewers for input.  I am very exhausted from all this.  For whatever reason, this career path is not meant to be.  As painful as it is, I have decided to abandon this dream.  I no longer have the emotional ability to question it but instead accept it on blind faith. Thirteen years ago when my life took a sudden and drastic detour, I was left scrambling for some sense of normalcy.  There were many days at the beginning when I wanted to give up.  I didn't.  Instead, I re-envisioned a future and set about creating it...

As I sat correcting mistakes on data entries at work yesterday, I was amused by the irony of the situation in several contexts of my life.  Having been the auditor at a previous job, I fully understood then and now the stress on others having work scrutinized.  Being in the hot seat this time, I had to laugh at the absurdity of it all.  More importantly, I knew that having a chance for someone else to critically review my work allows me to experience the stress, maybe even agitation, others have often felt with my analysis.  In many ways, the current family situation with my middle daughter is similar. At 16, she thinks she has all the answers;  she thinks she is grown.  It is almost too cliche to even say. Parents of teenagers fully understand.  It is not that I naively believed I had some magic answer and could forgo teenage angst with my daughters; it is not even that time seemed to leap forward too quickly for me to grasp; rather, I feel shock,...

I truly believe that where there's a will, there's a way , but as I stand on this precipice of my life looking across the vast chasm in front of me, I am beginning to wonder if perhaps my dream just is not the right one or is at the right time. Either finding a way down or making a big loop around to find a suitable crossing, both options torment me. So much precious time to be wasted, and I can see the prize just barely on the other side.When I relinquished my dream of becoming an attorney, I formulated a new dream, and very few people know what it is. Is that my chasm, that I have scarce shared? For a few years, I was lost without my old dream, blaming myself, hating myself. Through God's amazing grace, I eventually understood that not all dreams are meant to come true.............eventually I understood that His power and desires for me where so much better than what I thought I wanted for myself. So, trying to make the most of the situation ((place and time)).....

Illness and Isolation I have to make a choice very soon about dropping my class since I've been so sick and unable to complete the class requirements. Not sure why I feel like such a failure for being unable to complete this right now...........even though I know that I have done a good job considering I have been dealing with pnuemonia. I truly feel very alone. Even as I write, I ask myself why I am pushing myself so much, why I am so hard on myself. I am not even sure where my ideas of perfection come from or why it is so important to me to complete graduate school. It's definetely not what I thought it would be. Terrified to dream anymore...........this was my last dream for myself. As I watch it crumble before me, I know there is a bigger story unveiling, something beautiful that will bloom in the rubble. But right now, my pain and disappointment so great I scarce can breathe. Recently, I saw a documentary on the rebuilding of London after WWII. In the rubble grew these bri...

i haven't been here in a long time..........i have tried other "blog" mediums and have come back here cause it is just too hard on other sites. i have some old stuff i will be uploading as well as some new stuff to share finally i understand that i do so much better when i write.......when i take time to put to pen all my thoughts and fears, my successes and failures........but more importantly, i finally understand that all life has DRAMA time to embrace: you know, ACCEPT.........and move forward into the beautiful life i am blessed to possess