Abandoning a Dream

For 8 straight years I have applied and interviewed for teaching jobs in the Austin area; I have added additional certifications; attended professional developments, job fairs, sent handwritten letters to principals with professional portfolios. I hired a coach to help with interviewing strategies / techniques and have had my resume revamped by a professional. I have sent "thank you" notes after interviews, even asked interviewers for input. I am very exhausted from all this. For whatever reason, this career path is not meant to be. As painful as it is, I have decided to abandon this dream. I no longer have the emotional ability to question it but instead accept it on blind faith.

Thirteen years ago when my life took a sudden and drastic detour, I was left scrambling for some sense of normalcy. There were many days at the beginning when I wanted to give up. I didn't. Instead, I re-envisioned a future and set about creating it. What I envisioned was this: I wanted to get re-married and spend my life teaching / raising my family. Now, all this time later, I have abandoned the last part of that vision. Not only am I still single, but teaching has not materialized as a viable career path for me. My sorrow knows no words, and I have no strength to do anything except succumb to realities and move forward.

I can't say why I am still single. Especially for as long as I have been. I haven't even come close to remarriage - haven't even had a proper relationship. Accepting this fact was made easier by being a mom. With the girls in my home, I knew that bringing in a new husband would be difficult for them. But teaching? I honestly have no deflection for this failure. It just is a failure.

The cliches don't work. I've tried. When I see or hear them, I scoff. "Ha! Whatever!"
I am not giving up defeated. I know that letting go of one thing makes way for another. I have faith in God's plan for me.

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Mitchells in the Revolutionary War

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