My Thoughts

I had that dream again last night, and oh, my soul mourns this morning that the dream could not last.  He was there, again.  He loved me, again.  That haunting feeling lurks, just inside the veil of morning creeping over the horizon. We were young attorneys - he from the good family, me from the trailer park.  It's a classic Southern Gothic theme, and one I have not experienced in my dreams before.  Normally, I exist on an equal social field.  Curious! Maybe there is something in this new theme.  As he stood his ground with his father and with his fellow attorneys from similar social backgrounds, my heart soared; I felt truly loved and wanted. I have never experienced that feeling in my real life - wanted and loved. I have always made compromises to believe in something wonderful; compromises that eventually weakened and revealed the fragility in the relationship.  As I woke this morning, the feeling of desire, of love and acceptance linge...

My loneliness consumes me..... So battered are my feelings Life seems to have reached out and strangled all my joy. Caught in a spiderweb, I scarce can move. I need a change, and I need one now.  No longer can I stay still and wait as the world passes by me. I've been here before ..............this song by Coldplay haunts me.  I hear it echo so often.

It's been over 3 years since I felt anything close to joy................the last holiday season that I felt excited and optimistic was 2012, and as I pondered that fact this morning, I realized that I had to do a great deal of faking through that holiday.  The sense of joy lingered in the shadows, but it had not completely disappeared. Maybe it's joy I miss.  When I write about missing a person, maybe it is joy. I used to save the little metal round lids on frozen juice containers.  I had a stack of about 40 of them.  In 2012, I decorated the lids with black / white photos of our family members.  The ornaments turned out so cute.  What stands out about the project now is that I didn't even complete my original plan. It's my own fault that joy has left me.  I didn't guard / protect it enough.  Too late did I make it the priority. A friend posted this on FB, and it pretty much summed up what I needed to do instead of dwelling on what I th...

Today, I was finally offered a teaching job after 8 years and hundreds of applications, emails and rejections.  All the emotions running through me collide, and I can barely believe it's real.  I have worked for a long time to become a teacher - it's 15 years in the making.  It's all too surreal. And today, I watched my daughter attempt to bring her life back on track, watched the humiliation and disappointment as she had to accept that the easy road she was hoping to find does not exist.  As a parent, as a teacher, I want to reach out and grasp hold of her dream, of her life, and make it all better.  Not wanting her disappointment to overshadow my joy, I was lost in complete confusion. More and more, I remind myself that I cannot be a martyr to a cause that I do not fully support.  I have not defined what the cause is, but a small voice continues to whisper, "Do not be a martyr." --------------------------------------------------------------- M...

I have waited such a long time for you; and now as you have returned to my life, I am breathless in complete joy.  It has been such an incredibly long absence. Today, my heart lept at a happy ending in a movie.  I had not seen this movie before, but had remember seeing the trailer for it.   Return to Me with Minnie Driver and David Duchovny from 2000 is such a sweet story of love and hope.  I am adding it to my list of movies that restore a sense of faith in love and happiness.  It has taken me so long to be able to look at happy couples and not feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and sadness.  I not only believe in "happily ever after"; but more importantly, I believe that the world would be a better place if more people ascribed to my view.  Having hope in something like "happily ever after" creates a blind devotion to an ideal.  This is important because we spend too much of our effort devoted to material things, to other people; worse, many...

This song keeps playing in my mind...."here I go again on my own.  Going down the only road I've ever known.  Like a prisoner I am forced to walk alone....".  And each time it starts its eerie reverie in my mind, I take a breath and try to force it away.  I don't want to walk alone. I hate these dark days.............the ones that just seem to creep up and take hold.  All too often lately, the dark days outnumber the bright days, and I get consumed with fighting off the darkness that I have a difficult time finding joy.  For each moment that exists, I try desperately to find the joy, to relish in the mere existence of that moment.  Whether it be watching Whitney read or Kaitlyn play with cats, I want nothing more than to capture the pureness of joy emanating from these wonderful little women that are my daughters.  Truly.  What's wrong with me?  Why do I continue in this same struggle?  There has to be something about me t...

I have long since ceased dreaming Of kisses under the mistletoe, Of kisses at midnight as the new year tolls. I have long since ceased dreaming Of happily ever after Smiles and laughter. Reality, like slow darkness, Consumes and replaces hope. I have long since ceased dreaming Of early morning kisses, Wishing wells and eyelash wishes. I have long since ceased dreaming Of love that conquers all, And head over heels falls. Reality, like dense fog, Shadows and smothers joy.