Finding Joy

This song keeps playing in my mind...."here I go again on my own.  Going down the only road I've ever known.  Like a prisoner I am forced to walk alone....".  And each time it starts its eerie reverie in my mind, I take a breath and try to force it away.  I don't want to walk alone.

I hate these dark days.............the ones that just seem to creep up and take hold.  All too often lately, the dark days outnumber the bright days, and I get consumed with fighting off the darkness that I have a difficult time finding joy.  For each moment that exists, I try desperately to find the joy, to relish in the mere existence of that moment.  Whether it be watching Whitney read or Kaitlyn play with cats, I want nothing more than to capture the pureness of joy emanating from these wonderful little women that are my daughters. 

Truly.  What's wrong with me?  Why do I continue in this same struggle?  There has to be something about me that just does not work.

I have longed to return to my teaching career, and despite repeated attempts over the last five years, I have not been able to secure a teaching job.  Recently, I interviewed for three separate positions.  I did not get hired for any of these, and I feel worthless.  That voice in the back of my mind screams at me, "no husband, no career, no success".  Add to my list of failures my poor ability to maintain my familial relationships, and I honestly feel like incompetent, unwanted, useless.

Well, I quit............I give up.  Nothing's good enough for anybody else.