My Thoughts

I originally posted this on Kaitlyn's blog, but decided I wanted to put it on both blogs. Today is July 4, the birthday of the wonderful nation of the United States.  I am not sure what this great and wonderful nation will be like in 20 years, 40 years.............but I do know that at some point, each of my daughters will reflect backward to a time when was I was strong and vital and try to put their confused memories into place.  As I took Murphy for his morning walk, the outline for this entry formed into my mind.  Kate came to visit this week, so at times, I had all 3 girls together under the same roof again.  Even though it was only for a few hours at a time, it brought back so many happy memories for me.  For the girls, it brought a wave of resentment and anger. To my beautiful daughters, please know that for many, many years you will reflect backward onto points of your young adult lives and even into your childhood and feel a tidal wave of emotions t...

In all these years of being a single mom and struggling I somehow believed deep down that I was doing the best thing for my daughters and that the sacrifices would guarantee them something better than what I had.  All these years later, I am not sure what I "had" in the first place. Was what I had really that bad?  Time and maturity has altered my perspective about the importance of all things in my life. Once, I foolishly believed that getting an education would help get me a better paying job, and I also foolishly believed that just being a good person would make a difference somehow and would increase the quality and quantity of my inner circle of friends.  I am still waiting for this to be a reality.   I'm tired today as I write this.  I have already put in almost 12 hours of work and have 3 more to go.  I don't want to work 15 hour days. I'm tired of struggling financially. I'm tired of being alone.  These are things only a few people ever...

If I don't complete a project that I start, or a cleaning task or some redecorating at the time that it was started, it is very unlikely I'm going to finish it any timely manner because I just don't have the emotional strength to do it.  I spend so much my time lately battling the demons of guilt, sadness, anxiety and confusion while I neglect those things and people who could assist me. I think I finally hit critical mass; I can barely get out of bed today and luckily it's a professional development day but still I can't get out of bed. I hate it when I lose time.

Philly Story - (Back in Austin) Departing the plane in Austin only five days after she had left seemed surreal for Deandra. She had changed, she felt, but everything in the airport was exactly the way it had been. She knew she was supposed to call the office to get a proper "police" escort to her car parked at the police department, but somehow, she didn't feel like answering any questions. She could hear them all now. How was it? What did you do? Do he propose? The heat outside seemed so suffocating compared to how cool it had been in Philadephia all week. All her excitement and hopefulness were gone, and she dreaded the resumation of her normal live. Deep down, she knew something had changed, even though she didn't have positive proof. She had never been good at departures, had never learned how to master those important words and emotions that said "good bye". Continuing to muse all these things in her confused mind as the taxi transported ...

Brrr......It's Getting Cold Again! I truly find it ironic that when I make up my mind about something, things change immediately. The situation with Jeff is a prime example. Life is amazing and crazy all jumbled with peace and calm. Today is the funeral for the mother of one of Kaitlyn's classmates. Such a heartbreaking situation. It has put me in a strange and numb place. There are truly days when I feel the weight of the whole world on my shoulders, and at the point when I feel I need to collapse, I see the eyes of my wonderful daughters upon me. I must persevere always. Usually, it is not until I am alone in my room that the tears of pain and sadness finally come. Today will be one of those days, again. I must hold on tight without breaking, waiting with breath held until I can close the world off and just disappear.

01.04.2008 Where Am I?? Finally, we talked last night, and in complete longing, I thought so many things about where we both are...........so far apart. We've always been this far apart, and I just never would believe it. I've spent 2 years of my life so in love with you, or rather, the idea of you, that I couldn't breathe. My heart hurts beyond anything I have ever felt. Where am I?? Where is that special, funny, warm and sweet person you met?? I can almost hear her screaming, "let me in", and I am trapped, afraid. She falls in love so easily, gets hurt so often and cannot live with her own disappointments. But oh!!! How wonderful that feeling...............of loving someone so much you can't breathe. Well, you might not care about where I am, where I've been. I know you never have, and I needed the final clarification on that point. You gave that to me last nite. But, oh, oh, oh!! I, even through the pain and burning tears, am so much better ...