My Thoughts

I had that dream again last night, and oh, my soul mourns this morning that the dream could not last.  He was there, again.  He loved me, again.  That haunting feeling lurks, just inside the veil of morning creeping over the horizon. We were young attorneys - he from the good family, me from the trailer park.  It's a classic Southern Gothic theme, and one I have not experienced in my dreams before.  Normally, I exist on an equal social field.  Curious! Maybe there is something in this new theme.  As he stood his ground with his father and with his fellow attorneys from similar social backgrounds, my heart soared; I felt truly loved and wanted. I have never experienced that feeling in my real life - wanted and loved. I have always made compromises to believe in something wonderful; compromises that eventually weakened and revealed the fragility in the relationship.  As I woke this morning, the feeling of desire, of love and acceptance linge...

I hear you, and in a few of the tiniest moments, I can almost reach through the void and touch you. My sorrow knows no bounds as I grieve for you, as I must let go. I am so sorry that I cannot bring you and your sweet dreams to reality. Your smile is so bright, so vibrant in my memory, and I feel your innocence in all that is good and shiny. I have failed you. I have failed so many others. I have failed to be a good mother, daughter, wife or friend. Despair plagues my days and haunts my sleep as images of all those I've loved and lost swirl in my tortured mind. My feeble attempts to hold my life together with tape and glue finally stop, and I am left with the jumbled mess that is me - nothing around me left intact. A prayer echoes among the debris:  CONFESSION AND PARDON  Merciful God, we confess that we have not loved you with our whole heart. We have failed to be an obedient church. We have not done your will, we have broken your law, we have rebel...

 For 8 straight years I have applied and interviewed for teaching jobs in the Austin area; I have added additional certifications; attended professional developments, job fairs, sent handwritten letters to principals with professional portfolios.  I hired a coach to help with interviewing strategies / techniques and have had my resume revamped by a professional.  I have sent "thank you" notes after interviews, even asked interviewers for input.  I am very exhausted from all this.  For whatever reason, this career path is not meant to be.  As painful as it is, I have decided to abandon this dream.  I no longer have the emotional ability to question it but instead accept it on blind faith. Thirteen years ago when my life took a sudden and drastic detour, I was left scrambling for some sense of normalcy.  There were many days at the beginning when I wanted to give up.  I didn't.  Instead, I re-envisioned a future and set about creating it...

I have long since ceased dreaming Of kisses under the mistletoe, Of kisses at midnight as the new year tolls. I have long since ceased dreaming Of happily ever after Smiles and laughter. Reality, like slow darkness, Consumes and replaces hope. I have long since ceased dreaming Of early morning kisses, Wishing wells and eyelash wishes. I have long since ceased dreaming Of love that conquers all, And head over heels falls. Reality, like dense fog, Shadows and smothers joy.

Once there was this bright eyed and imaginative little girl full of stories and energy that many could just not fathom for her young age.  It would take many around her to occupy her attention and her exuberance, and often it was said she was too spoiled, too self-centered.  Yet, in her beautiful and complicated mind, she knew not how to temper her insatiable thirst for understanding.  Often lonely and isolated, she searched for answers in books. I dreamed a dream of compassion, love, heroism and acceptance. Life has killed all she dreamed. Ignorance of others would not rest until her own heart and mind shrunk from repeated attack.  Only in the comfort of silence have the voices quieted and the taunts subsided.  Few will ever truly understand the sacrifices made for the small tidbits of peace she finds hidden among the terror filled dreams. I dreamed a dream of compassion, love, heroism and acceptance.  I dreamed of a God who would be forgiving. ...

Bib necklaces seem to be popular right now, and a simple search will yield several blogs, websites, etc sporting photos of some finished products.  I, of course, always want to make it for myself, so I have been looking around for examples and products.  I finally settled on a pattern I liked.  My ideal is a combination of the three pictures shown here.  I have already mastered making the flowers, so I just need to work on assembling. Since I finished graduate school, it seems all I want to do is make up for lost time and to craft, craft, craft.  I am finishing up the new chair cushions for my wicker chairs today, too.  I have made a couple of halter re-fashions, and I have my pattern ready to make some shopping bags since Austin is gonna be a plastic bag free city by 2013.  My true goal is to build my etsy.com store, but I have some reservations, fear maybe, that nothing really sells there.  All fear aside!!  Think this should become...

I truly believe that where there's a will, there's a way , but as I stand on this precipice of my life looking across the vast chasm in front of me, I am beginning to wonder if perhaps my dream just is not the right one or is at the right time. Either finding a way down or making a big loop around to find a suitable crossing, both options torment me. So much precious time to be wasted, and I can see the prize just barely on the other side.When I relinquished my dream of becoming an attorney, I formulated a new dream, and very few people know what it is. Is that my chasm, that I have scarce shared? For a few years, I was lost without my old dream, blaming myself, hating myself. Through God's amazing grace, I eventually understood that not all dreams are meant to come true.............eventually I understood that His power and desires for me where so much better than what I thought I wanted for myself. So, trying to make the most of the situation ((place and time)).....

~Vacation, Day 1~ Whew....complete freedom, relief from stress and responsibilities, and more importantly, free from worrying whether I am where I am supposed to be. My long vacation starts now, and as I sit waiting in the stillness of my late afternoon, the news reports of the devastation in Japan plays in the livingroom. Torn between following the news story or truly taking some time away from the world, I am enjoying the cool breezes through the window and the quiet. My heart belongs to education, and as I struggle with work lately, I shed real tears each time I say "I want to teach". Daring to dream, daring to verbalize a dream even, is difficult for me. Maybe I'm afraid it will never happen for me again. Maybe I'm afraid I've been lying to myself all these years as I've fought so hard to get certified. What is the true meaning of life??

~out of sight~ I had this extraordinary dream last night...........I had lost my sight. I guess extraordinary is not the best word for some, but what I took from the dream as I woke this morning was a genuine blessing for my sight. As I blinked the sleep out of my lazy eyes and gazed around my room, I realized I was again competent in my life. Scary the thought of losing my sight.............I became completely dependent on others around me for my daily activities. I could no longer work in my profession nor could I surf the net looking at retro fashions. I did a bit of an experiment as I began my day............I tried doing things with my eyes closed. We take for granted many things in our daily lives...........laundry sorting, cooking, picking out clothes. It took me almost 4 times longer to sort 3 piles of laundry than normal by relying only on touch. Are braile consoles even available on washer/dryer sets? My new smart phone would be obsolete for me.

Dreams journaled 02-15-04 I recall so vividly my dream last nite. I've been reading this tiny lil' book Dream Workshop, and this morning, my dream stays frozen, clear in my mind's eye. In a town of absurd contrasts, I try to leave, but all the directions given me are dead ends, converging at some unknown place where those contrasts exist. A city park where giraffs roam freely, a bright modern downtown surrounding a crumbling, decaying courthouse...........I find myself buying a pack of gum and gas at a station/cafe. I am waiting for my credit card. As I wait, the attendant disappears, adn line behind me grows longer. Time ticks by so slowly. Hearing the bustle of the cafe, I turn to see well dressed groups interacting. One group of women talks about the antics of children, so I contribute an antecdote from my teaching experience. The whole store stills. In that brief, awkward silence, my attendant returns, virtually shoving my card and receipt at me. As I quickly ca...