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I hear you, and in a few of the tiniest moments, I can almost reach through the void and touch you. My sorrow knows no bounds as I grieve for you, as I must let go. I am so sorry that I cannot bring you and your sweet dreams to reality. Your smile is so bright, so vibrant in my memory, and I feel your innocence in all that is good and shiny. I have failed you.

I have failed so many others. I have failed to be a good mother, daughter, wife or friend. Despair plagues my days and haunts my sleep as images of all those I've loved and lost swirl in my tortured mind. My feeble attempts to hold my life together with tape and glue finally stop, and I am left with the jumbled mess that is me - nothing around me left intact.
A prayer echoes among the debris:

 CONFESSION AND PARDON

 Merciful God, we confess that we have not loved you with our whole heart. We have failed to be an obedient church. We have not done your will, we have broken your law, we have rebelled against your love, we have not loved our neighbors, and we have not heard the cry of the needy. Forgive us, we pray. Free us for joyful obedience, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

 I long to be rescued............I want someone to wade through the mess that is me and help put the pieces together again. I have carried this burden for such a long time, and all I have now are tears. My strength gone, I lay wasted, defeated and so miserably alone. I cannot even muster a bit of faith right now.

------------*******-------------------------*****---------------------

Update:  November 29, 2014

So truly moving and powerful, this post completely defines how I feel in my life most of the time.  Yes, I am blessed and truly grateful for the life that I have, that I have an opportunity to try to make more of the life than what I have.  There is an exorbitant cost for this privilege. As I sit among the ruble that is all I ever believed, I am impotent to move.  Even though most days I can muster the energy to pretend all is well in my decay.
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Comments

  1. Anonymous3:35 PM

    I can hear you through veiled mists of tears, just on the other side of a transparent boundary that prevents me from reaching you. Your presence terrifies me because I know that we will never reach each other.

    Please hear me...............don't give up on me. I am here. Can't you hear me? Please, please, try harder. Believe in something larger than yourself, than me, and look beyond the mess that exists.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous9:49 PM

    With exhaustion and utter despair, I read through this one more time, and I scream in sheer agony hoping someone will hear me.

    ReplyDelete

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