My Thoughts

Illness and Isolation I have to make a choice very soon about dropping my class since I've been so sick and unable to complete the class requirements. Not sure why I feel like such a failure for being unable to complete this right now...........even though I know that I have done a good job considering I have been dealing with pnuemonia. I truly feel very alone. Even as I write, I ask myself why I am pushing myself so much, why I am so hard on myself. I am not even sure where my ideas of perfection come from or why it is so important to me to complete graduate school. It's definetely not what I thought it would be. Terrified to dream anymore...........this was my last dream for myself. As I watch it crumble before me, I know there is a bigger story unveiling, something beautiful that will bloom in the rubble. But right now, my pain and disappointment so great I scarce can breathe. Recently, I saw a documentary on the rebuilding of London after WWII. In the rubble grew these bri

~Memories~ Sometimes it is hard for me to journal when I scrapbook. I look at the pictures and ephemera laid out before me and recall what I thought at the time or what I hoped it all meant. I have learned lately that many times, the memories the girls have of past events do not align with mine. Trying to preserve my own memories and values, I want to relay to my daughters the truth of things. But, that is history...........our own perceptions change based on our own understandings and growth. Try as I might, I can't bring myself to actually journal. I have so many things bottled up inside me that I want to share with my daughters and with my own mother. In my mind has been these "what I would truly say to you today" letters. All this scrapbooking must get done! Volumes and volumes of pictures and keepsakes continue to grow. I suppose that if I don't get it done, no one but me will suffer; but something inside me pushes me to tell the story of what all these t

-Imitation of Life- One of my all time favorite movies, Imitation of Life (1959) with Lana Turner as a single mom who makes it big. Despite some very cliche racial commentaries, the underlying themes of justice and love prevail. The orginal 1934 version with Claudette Colbert is also good but romantices more. Today, the movie plays foremost in my mind, especially Delilah's funeral when her hateful daughter Sarah Jane bursts into the procession crying and claiming love her deceased mohter. Somedays, it seems like no matter how much I love my daughter, no matter how much I pray for her, she has ideas in her mind about what the world is and how she interacts with it so completely opposite from my own.

This piece is moving............I have often sat in the haze of contentment just listening, so moved that anyone can make magic happen with some wood and string. This is the same feeling I get each time I listen to Whitney play her violin. Complete magic exists when a person can lose themselves in a moment. I think of the infinite spaces created in a moment.

Water for Elephants and other oddities............ I adored this movie and am really excited it is coming to video soon. I want to curl up with a good refashioning project, a cup of hot tea and watch again as the story unfolds. Whether it is the nostalgia or the old clothing, something in the pure humanity of this movie reaches deep inside my soul and beckons. The world today is so chaotic, filled with sadness and horror. I know it is not always prudent to wax nostalgic, but without the ability to dream about what could be , I truly don't think humans fare well. Although I am not a Robert Pattison fan, I have adored Reese Witherspoon since Man in the Moon , and always enjoy watching her perform.