My Thoughts

I truly believe that where there's a will, there's a way , but as I stand on this precipice of my life looking across the vast chasm in front of me, I am beginning to wonder if perhaps my dream just is not the right one or is at the right time. Either finding a way down or making a big loop around to find a suitable crossing, both options torment me. So much precious time to be wasted, and I can see the prize just barely on the other side.When I relinquished my dream of becoming an attorney, I formulated a new dream, and very few people know what it is. Is that my chasm, that I have scarce shared? For a few years, I was lost without my old dream, blaming myself, hating myself. Through God's amazing grace, I eventually understood that not all dreams are meant to come true.............eventually I understood that His power and desires for me where so much better than what I thought I wanted for myself. So, trying to make the most of the situation ((place and time)).....

happily, ever after......... Today, I desperately need a happily ever after. Too much change and too much falling apart all at once really makes me unhappy. I just don't know where I am going right now. It's so so hard. The serenity prayers echoes in my mind, and I know that I can only do what I can do. I truly believe that each of us is empowered with so much strength to fight.................for what we believe in, what we want. But some things right now are not worth my energy anymore. I want what's fair, and when I can no longer handle the inadequacies, when I no longer can live with myself for my apathy, then I need to make a direction change. More on this later..........I have spent the last 90 minutes searching for available jobs. It is time for me to leave University Police and strike out for something better.

Dazed, confused and other musings........ Like a stealth fog creeping into sunshine, silence stalks, threatening to continue its perpetual torture of my sanity. Heavy laden, my mind searches for solutions and instead finds bitter agony and seering jealousy. Just when I think I can finally breathe, rest my weariness in optimism, the cycle repeats itself and I sucumb, drowing in misunderstandings and isolation. I want to get lost completely in Chagall, to find my wedding veil the center of my own life's portrait. Instead, I feel the red and black swirls of Munich's "The Scream" seduce and capture me, hauntingly whispering, "you will never get out." When passion and dedication become the chains of despair, what then? How to reconcile a character trait to its disruptive foundations........my mind swirls around so many possibilities, and in complete exhaustion, I want to curl into a world of my own understanding, of my own making. No longer do I wish to be a mere...

On being sick and other life lessons............. I truly hate being sick; I imagine most people do. Sickness robs a person of many things, including confidence, focus and even faith. At this point, I am on week 4 of this illness and not even sure how long I've actually had pneumonia. Mojo, rythm, game.............these are the feelings that you are right.......doing what you need to when you need to.