My Thoughts

It's cool this morning but very bright outside - the weather perfect for some family time.  I have started cooking what will become our Christmas Eve dinner, and as the smells circulate through our home, I am so reminded of Christmases of the past.  Only a few years ago, I would've been double checking all my supplies, including film.  I am not sure why the thought of film crossed my mind this morning, but for a second, I flashed backward 10 years. Things have changed so much in the last 10 years with the advance of technology.  Digital cameras, electronic downloads, digital movies.............the list goes on and on.  I still have a few VHS tapes of my favorite movies, many of them Christmas themed. Christmas Eve 2003.................My lil' angels were 10, 7 and 5 with a belief in Santa Clause and magic.  There still existed in our lives some innocence.  Stores closed at 6 p.m. on Christmas Eve and remained closed on Christmas Day.  This w...

When I was still married (so many years ago), my anger and frustration at my spouse often centered on his lack of acknowledgment of how hard I worked to create a home, to create family.  While other people we knew - from church or work, friends of my children, etc - remarked over and over how cozy our lives were, my spouse somehow could not see or either could not acknowledge the life we were building.  That last line is very generous, because in all the years since our divorce, I fully understand it was a life that I built. With the onset of single parenthood ..........three children and multiple jobs to sustain us............ I always knew that the home and family I created provided unity and stabilization for my daughters.  Many times I seriously have questioned that last statement, especially as my daughters grew into young women and began to question everything about my life and values. To clarify..........the creating of home, of family, entails things such as h...

If I don't complete a project that I start, or a cleaning task or some redecorating at the time that it was started, it is very unlikely I'm going to finish it any timely manner because I just don't have the emotional strength to do it.  I spend so much my time lately battling the demons of guilt, sadness, anxiety and confusion while I neglect those things and people who could assist me. I think I finally hit critical mass; I can barely get out of bed today and luckily it's a professional development day but still I can't get out of bed. I hate it when I lose time.

As my 46th birthday looms silently in the very near future, I take a look back at the year of being 45 with nothing short of confused anger.  This has been a horrible year, and for the last couple of weeks, every memory collides. I wonder if some of this owes to a midlife crisis.  What was happening for my female ancestors when they faces the end of their 45th year? 1993.................. The year my mother was 45.  All three of her children were grown with families of their own.  I was pregnant for the first time.  My mom had 5 grandchildren already and was still married to my father.  They would be divorced 4 years later.  Both her parents had already died.  1993 was a time between the Gulf War and 9/11, a time when things in Early, Texas were still somewhat safe, protected and completely oblivious to a world outside of itself. "Got Milk?" became the newest ad campaign slogan; "Schindler's List" won the Academy Award for best picture and t...

A few weeks ago, I started this entry on shaming.  Listening to both Melanie and Kaitlyn talk about being shamed by others, I knew their complaints so well.  Most of my life I have lived with shaming. I think it's easier maybe if you were just stoned publicly for crimes instead of been ridiculed verbally. The damage done to a person for years of manipulation makes one feel inadequate.  Shaming is such a horrible thing to do to others. I found this article: Shame is at the root of low self-esteem. People who feel shame feel bad about who they are. This differs from feelings of guilt, which are related to thoughts, feelings, and actions. Those who experience the pain of shame have negative erroneous beliefs about their inherent abilities and worth. Large doses of unhealthy guilt can cause one to feel shame and its negative effects. Social abilities are impeded when one feels burdened by shame. A person may have a pattern of avoiding social interactions, which can...