Shaming Others

A few weeks ago, I started this entry on shaming.  Listening to both Melanie and Kaitlyn talk about being shamed by others, I knew their complaints so well.  Most of my life I have lived with shaming.

I think it's easier maybe if you were just stoned publicly for crimes instead of been ridiculed verbally. The damage done to a person for years of manipulation makes one feel inadequate.  Shaming is such a horrible thing to do to others.

I found this article:

Shame is at the root of low self-esteem. People who feel shame feel bad about who they are. This differs from feelings of guilt, which are related to thoughts, feelings, and actions. Those who experience the pain of shame have negative erroneous beliefs about their inherent abilities and worth. Large doses of unhealthy guilt can cause one to feel shame and its negative effects.

Social abilities are impeded when one feels burdened by shame. A person may have a pattern of avoiding social interactions, which can lead to lack of development of social skills. They may avoid intimacy with others and have only superficial relationships, which deteriorate in times of stress. Isolation and loneliness are serious consequences of shame. Self-condemning attitudes and negative self-talk reinforce the shame and ultimately lead to self-loathing and self-sabotaging behavior.

People who harbor feelings of shame often find that their significant relationships support their ongoing experience of low self-worth.

And the causes of shame?

In my experience, shame is used to manipulate and control.  Abuser are very crafty at controlling victims.  It has taken me years of hard work to move forward past deeply implanted suggestive comments used by my dysfunctional family to keep me in line.  That's how cycles of family violence continue.

My daughters were assaulted by a family member..........and hearing them speak about the same shame I had endured for years broke my heart.  Although I had tried so desperately to protect my precious girls from those damaging family dynamics, I failed to see the effects of my passivity.

It's so complicated and very very painful.

We hear so little in this country about shaming as a form of family violence.  The stories of women in the Middle East being publicly stoned, of ritual killings can be found with a simple internet search.

I truly have so much more to say, but maybe for another time.  I have several entries in draft form, so I need to develop my thoughts at a later time.