My Thoughts

Wow Taylor...... Where have you been? It's been so long and poof like that, here you are. I have to say I'm a bit disappointed you've left Iliana  in charge for so long. You know she's not good with emotions. 

I understand the true consequences of generational poverty.  I understand that it takes years and sometimes isolation and a lot of rejection, disappointment and self-doubt to move one small inch into change.  I also understand that immediate gratification is easier than having faith in yourself or having faith in something bigger because in generational poverty, trust is a huge issue. I also know and understand what it takes to get intrinsic motivation from those who come from low socioeconomic families.  I have heard all the excuses and not because I am a teacher but because I was a child in that environment and heard all the excuses for my mom, my sisters, my cousins, and my neighbors. I lived the struggle as I watched so many people struggle. The Raitzyns quilt project.........stunning Struggle, not for change and improvement but struggle from one quick fix to the next; that's the cognitive restructuring that has to happen.   It has to be a change in t...

In the last 30 years, I have often had this idealization of starving to death. I would actually imagine what it might be like to go for days without eating.  Somewhere in my mind,I figured if I could starve to death I would finally meet the approval of my mom, finally get someone to look at me because I wasn't chunky, and maybe finally have a relationship.  Maybe, finally, I'd be happy. We often say, "I'm starving to death"; and of course, if it's at 8 a.m.,  that means we're hungry; we are not literally starving today or are we? One of the most fascinating things to have happened to me in a while is developing this food intolerance and having to get rid of a lot of my normally eaten foods. There are days when I do feel like I am starving mainly because my calorie count is so low, and it's hard to find foods that are interesting to eat when you are limited the way I have become limited.  I am so grateful that my limitations are just an alle...

There are so many things that I want to say and I don't even know where to begin. I am so tired. I am tired of so much that there are just not enough words to make a list. I want to believe in something bigger than myself, but try as I might, I just can't believe in anything. And to top it all off this stupid voice recognition is taking longer - it's taking forever to post so that I have to pause in between thoughts which I don't want to do. There is something missing in my life. It is in my soul or in my mind or in my heart. It is something missing ,something that is just not there anymore I don't want to run around in circles trying to find it. I know that's not productive, but I desperately want to fill the void because the void hurts. I am trying every day to write my 1000 words hoping that in all the writing I will rediscover my voice that I know has been lacking. There is just not enough time in the day to write and teach and ment...

You were the one who has the power to make your life what you want it to be. Even when storms over take you and the rain pours down and seems to wash away any hope or dream that you have, you are the one who has the power to find the rainbow at the end of the storm cloud. When others make you feel small and they laugh at your ideas or at your dreams, you are the one who has the power to turn their words around and find your way by your own standards. You can choose right now to look at everything with anger, hurt or sadness;  or instead you can choose to look at the world for what it could be; and you have the power to make that ideal image a reality for yourself. Everyone struggles; everyone has fear and pain. The difference between those you think are better off than you and yourself is that those you feel are better off than you have learned to take control of their fear and their anger and their pain and make something positive out of them. It is your crit...

There are just too many things to say about the traffic here in Austin during the rain, but I thought I would share a part of it with you.  I decided to make a video. It is a glorious Autumn morning here in Austin with a light drizzle.  Rain! Google "perfect Autumn Austin", and I imagine you would find pictures very close to what I am seeing now. Traffic is moving at a slow pace, much slower than normal.  I left earlier than normal to compensate for the rain.  So far, everyone is on their best behavior.

"I brought some music along.  Hope you don't mind," he said as he pulled out his tablet and a small pair of speakers.  She looked at him and smiled, "Only if I like the music you're playing." The evening picnic at the lake was such a great idea. She had not been on a picnic for a while, so she was excited. Deandra kicked off her shoes and sat down on the blanket that had been laid out on the ground. She took a deep breath and felt some muscles relax in her neck and back that she really hadn't realized were tense. Laughingly she looked at him with her little cocked sideways expression.  "And the point of this little evening seduction is..." she trailed off. "Well, he smiled back. "I hadn't thought of there being a reason.  I just wanted to share some things that I enjoy it with you.  You are the one to bring up the word s eduction!" Her need for intellectual banter, for a strong mental partner was fighting eve...

The first time I felt cheated was when I was only five years old. My cousin had temporarily came to stay with us after she had been severely abused by her mother. She enrolled in school with me; she was my age;  therefore she was in my class because we were in a small school. I do not remember feeling cheated, angry or upset because she was at our house; but something about her being at school with me made me feel extremely cheated out of my opportunity at school.  I was not a very gracious host during that time frame, and I let my jealousy get the best of me. It is a regret that I have lived with for a really long time - the way I treated my cousin. At five years old, I really couldn't understand what she needed. I felt cheated out of the attention that I got from my teachers and my classmates. I felt cheated because school was my opportunity to shine, to be the smartest, the best in kindergarten. I could already read, knew how to color within the lines very well,...