My Thoughts

Oh, how amazing and beautiful the afternoon is.  As I sit working on paperwork, I am listening to TCM in the background.  Showing is a look behind the scenes of "West Side Story", and it caught my attention.  As the presentation drew my attention from my task, I remembered so vividly the very first time I had ever seen "WSS".  I was 16 years old. Although I knew about the movie, I had never seen it. It was 1983, and I was at a speech tournament at Brownwood High School.  Debate and speech contestants waiting between rounds were waiting in the library.  On a television in the corner was "WSS", and as I sat and watched parts of the movie, I was so enthralled.  Everything to me that year took my breath away......from music to clothes, from pop culture to classic movies and literature.  It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. I was already familiar with Natalie Wood having watched "Splendor in the Grass" on basic cable.  I love...

original date Feb. 22, 2012 All my life I have dreamed of being a published author. I love the idea of being a writer of actually spending my whole life and my career writing.  I don't know why, it's just always been there - this dream of something I wanted. I don't know when I started to believe that it would never happen. I do know that for probably about 15 to 20 years it was not something I thought I could do.  Struggles with family and young adulthood stripped away my optimism.  Deep down, I knew the possibility existed.  In the last few years, I realized I could do it, that it was just a matter of putting some energy into it.  I wasn't in a hurry like I used to be.  On the other end of that spectrum is that you realize you are ready.  You not only know you are ready, but you feel confident in your own abilities. Then, this voice whispers that it doesn't matter whether I'm published or not - that I am a writer. I think about Joe in "Litt...

original date:  Dec. 2015 Life can be a horrible struggle. And each of us, when we finally can vocalize that struggle in our life, is now fully responsible for changing it. That's really the irony, the sadness, the depression, the kick in the butt -  because we're not ready to fix it for ourselves. I think that if someone had said to me that the moment I could vocalize my struggle I was responsible for fixing things, I would've turned and ran and never said a word.  It would've been easier. At the moment when each individual has to take responsibility for his / her healing, the grieving process must begin. And each person needs support and understanding to work through the grieving process.  Healing is a daily struggle. ----------------------------------- When I started this post, I was at a place where I certainly had a struggle to vocalize both my struggle and my healing process.  Life has changed quite a bit for me since I started this p...

original date January 9, 2016 I had my EOC talk with students on Thursday and came to tears in every class I taught. My students are incarcerated and cannot opt-out of testing. Some will refuse to test or rush through, but what I wanted to tell them was that they could turn the test results into their favor. What I explained to my students was that they needed to develop a voice. Many of my students are well equipped intellectually to pass (and often exceptionally) the test. Many of my students write very very well. What my students don't possess is an understanding of how the test is laid out or how the test results are evaluated. I have repeatedly shared with my students the fact that state legislators use STAAR test results from 3rd graders to determine how many prison beds will be needed 15 years from now. What I share with my students are tips on mastering the test and how to actually read the questions without stressing out. Most importantly, I use each student...

My loneliness consumes me..... So battered are my feelings Life seems to have reached out and strangled all my joy. Caught in a spiderweb, I scarce can move. I need a change, and I need one now.  No longer can I stay still and wait as the world passes by me. I've been here before ..............this song by Coldplay haunts me.  I hear it echo so often.

On April 4, I wrote, "Again, sitting in court in regard to child support. Again, taking precious time off and having to do so much work for a sub".  It only took a month after the court date and the adjustment to child support for the ex to quit (lose) his job.  Now, I am facing another summer of working a third job to stay ahead of my finances. This is exhausting. Now it's June, and the ex is still not working.  Nor will he respond to calls / texts.  What I have feared for the 14 years of divorce status has become a reality............my ex is a dead beat dad.  He dropped off emotionally years ago, and sadly, my daughters have learned to live without a dad present in their lives.  In all that time, I was always satisfied to know he had to financially contribute to their lives, even if he couldn't emotionally contribute.  Now, that allusion is gone, too. We will survive; we always do.  I think back to the first 2 years of the separation and ...