On April 4, I wrote, "Again, sitting in court in regard to child support. Again, taking precious time off and having to do so much work for a sub". It only took a month after the court date and the adjustment to child support for the ex to quit (lose) his job. Now, I am facing another summer of working a third job to stay ahead of my finances.
This is exhausting.
Now it's June, and the ex is still not working. Nor will he respond to calls / texts. What I have feared for the 14 years of divorce status has become a reality............my ex is a dead beat dad. He dropped off emotionally years ago, and sadly, my daughters have learned to live without a dad present in their lives. In all that time, I was always satisfied to know he had to financially contribute to their lives, even if he couldn't emotionally contribute. Now, that allusion is gone, too.
We will survive; we always do. I think back to the first 2 years of the separation and then early divorce when there was no word from the ex, no financial support and the constant interference of his family. I was young (34), newly thrust back into the role as a working woman and a single mom struggling to pay for day care, school pictures, dance class and still maintain a level of social commitment I had as an at home mom. Slowly, as one social connection after another disappeared -- small town, single woman (can you say pariah??) -- I also had to deal with the bruised feelings of my daughters as their "friends" could no longer interact outside of school. We survived.
I have heard one horror story after another from other single parents -- the disappearance of the ex, the lack of emotional and / or financial support, the endless attempts to hold the other party responsible. Seriously. Who has time for all this?
As Summer school begins this coming week and I am spending my "vacation" trying to stay financially afloat, I can't help but have a huge wave of resentment to the whole system overwhelm me. I am mad at the ex, at the court system, at the happily married couples with their perfect 2-parent kids.
Now that my daughters are young women, I can feel all my jaded emotions continue to swell. Swirling, these feelings often drown me in depression and apathy. It's exhausting, and I deserve better than this. My daughters deserve better than this.
And then I remember, I am not alone. There are thousands of single parents fighting this same fight. The system does not reward the love and commitment of these single parents. Instead, the system rewards the dead beat parents who know how to work the system to their advantage. As I've sat in court several times now only to be sent home because the other party didn't show, I've heard the same thing happen over and over to others. We take time off from work (hire a sitter), sit in court, miss other appointments -- only to be sent home. because the dead beat parent didn't show up.
The system provides so many loopholes to the deadbeat parent. Observe this instance: after 6 months of non payment, the ex makes a partial monthly payment, and the system then restarts the punishment clock. Instead of saying "thanks for a partial, but you are still way behind", the system resets the clock and the dead beat parent now gets to continue skipping out on the responsibility for another 6 months before actual sanctions are applied. I was told over and over again, "We need to give the other parent time to fulfill his responsibility before sanctions are imposed." Sanctions start off with things like the revocation of state issued licenses, garnishment of income taxes or jail. Sanctions don't come, however, until after several "warnings" are mailed out to the dead beat parent. In my case, the ex has moved an average of every six months, so having an actual address is often not possible. If no address is noted, the deadbeat parent is given more time to comply as the system tries to find him / her.
Screw that..........I did the work myself. I tracked down the ex (new number, new address, new employer). I tried getting his family to help me, but they wouldn't. I used social media to get others to help me. Unashamed and undeterred, I used social media to plea my case to people who might have information. It worked out.
Now, I am repeating that process. The ex has moved out of state, and his circle of friends / contacts are not ones I know. I will figure it out. We deserve better.
This is exhausting.
Now it's June, and the ex is still not working. Nor will he respond to calls / texts. What I have feared for the 14 years of divorce status has become a reality............my ex is a dead beat dad. He dropped off emotionally years ago, and sadly, my daughters have learned to live without a dad present in their lives. In all that time, I was always satisfied to know he had to financially contribute to their lives, even if he couldn't emotionally contribute. Now, that allusion is gone, too.
We will survive; we always do. I think back to the first 2 years of the separation and then early divorce when there was no word from the ex, no financial support and the constant interference of his family. I was young (34), newly thrust back into the role as a working woman and a single mom struggling to pay for day care, school pictures, dance class and still maintain a level of social commitment I had as an at home mom. Slowly, as one social connection after another disappeared -- small town, single woman (can you say pariah??) -- I also had to deal with the bruised feelings of my daughters as their "friends" could no longer interact outside of school. We survived.
I have heard one horror story after another from other single parents -- the disappearance of the ex, the lack of emotional and / or financial support, the endless attempts to hold the other party responsible. Seriously. Who has time for all this?
As Summer school begins this coming week and I am spending my "vacation" trying to stay financially afloat, I can't help but have a huge wave of resentment to the whole system overwhelm me. I am mad at the ex, at the court system, at the happily married couples with their perfect 2-parent kids.Now that my daughters are young women, I can feel all my jaded emotions continue to swell. Swirling, these feelings often drown me in depression and apathy. It's exhausting, and I deserve better than this. My daughters deserve better than this.
And then I remember, I am not alone. There are thousands of single parents fighting this same fight. The system does not reward the love and commitment of these single parents. Instead, the system rewards the dead beat parents who know how to work the system to their advantage. As I've sat in court several times now only to be sent home because the other party didn't show, I've heard the same thing happen over and over to others. We take time off from work (hire a sitter), sit in court, miss other appointments -- only to be sent home. because the dead beat parent didn't show up.
The system provides so many loopholes to the deadbeat parent. Observe this instance: after 6 months of non payment, the ex makes a partial monthly payment, and the system then restarts the punishment clock. Instead of saying "thanks for a partial, but you are still way behind", the system resets the clock and the dead beat parent now gets to continue skipping out on the responsibility for another 6 months before actual sanctions are applied. I was told over and over again, "We need to give the other parent time to fulfill his responsibility before sanctions are imposed." Sanctions start off with things like the revocation of state issued licenses, garnishment of income taxes or jail. Sanctions don't come, however, until after several "warnings" are mailed out to the dead beat parent. In my case, the ex has moved an average of every six months, so having an actual address is often not possible. If no address is noted, the deadbeat parent is given more time to comply as the system tries to find him / her.
Screw that..........I did the work myself. I tracked down the ex (new number, new address, new employer). I tried getting his family to help me, but they wouldn't. I used social media to get others to help me. Unashamed and undeterred, I used social media to plea my case to people who might have information. It worked out.
Now, I am repeating that process. The ex has moved out of state, and his circle of friends / contacts are not ones I know. I will figure it out. We deserve better.
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