My Thoughts

Written May 2022  Oh, I can’t. I’m on that very slippery slope, and I just want to slide down into the abyss and drown. I do. I hate where my life is right now. ———— Oh! What in the world prompted that entry? And just as I typed it, I remembered, and all the raw emotions from that point in time came rushing toward me, threatening to consume me. I opened this app today to complain about things currently, to grasp at the oh, so tenuous lifeline I’ve used for years to attempt to sort out the confusing parts of my life. Who in the world am I?? What is my purpose? I’m feeling more and more invisible with each day. It’s so daunting, so suffocating. I’m truly sad, irritated, and bored. Oh!! Bored. I scarce can stand the shit of my life right now. The invasion of Kate and the kids has disrupted all aspects of my life. It’s not that I’m insensitive to their plight, it’s the complete changes being forced onto me because Kate is as willful and stubborn as me.  ————- 5/8/24 I read to this...

It is a lazy, late February morning, the last Sunday in February this year.  I am puttering around the kitchen putting away things, straightening, enjoying my lukewarm lemon pepper water detox.  Well, I am enjoying the morning, maybe not the lukewarm lemon pepper detox water. It has been a very long time since I have felt seen, and recently, I met a man who has done just that.  So far, I feel stable, like I can take a long, slow approach and not try to pin my hopes and dreams on one person.  I was so afraid of jumping back in to the dating world.  The ending of my marriage was 20 years ago in July of this year.... 20 years; and in that time, I have only casually dated and never had a long term intimate relationship.  I worked really hard to be a strong presence for my  daughters, to build a future that I could inhabit alone, on my own terms. I won't lie; I'm terrified.  Personal and intimate relationships are so difficult for me, and I often flee ...

      I am not ok.     I want to be, but I am not ok.     As the last, precious minutes of a weather induced 4 day weekend draw to an close, I sit in numbed silence trying to piece the mangled pieces of my life into a semblance of order.     I am not ok.     My heart aches for a world that existed once.  My soul bleeds for the chaos that faces so many in our country.  I keep hoping that I am overthinking it; I just don't feel that is true.       I am exhausted, and I am not ok.     No wonder the retreat of my precious home offers the only comfort lately.  Here, in contentedness, I can script my hours.  I chose music or movies that feed my soul.  I prepare healthy food to nourish and heal my body, and I shut out any and all intrusions with swift deliberations.     Exhaustion can do that.  It can blind reality.  Maybe it's my age or the unbearable weight of res...

  I know, I know......it's unbearable how long it's been since I was here last.  I have definitely neglected you with blatant disregard.  Forgive me.  It is gloriously Autumn outside; can you sense it?  I mean, like fully, sense it??  This is my absolutely favorite type of day. I am cooking slowly over the week.  I have my tablet on its cute, lil', decorative easel watching "The Price is Right" and enjoying my second cup of coffee.  Autumn scented candles are lit around the house, and I am having pumpkin baked oats for breakfast.  This is the warmest, gooiest thing I've ever eaten, and I fully intend to make this a regular recipe in my life........healthy and yummy. I've thought about you so much lately, and I have missed our times together more than you can imagine.  Well, maybe not more.....maybe you feel the same way. I fear that if I don't make our relationship a true priority, I will wake up at the end of my life and regret its pass...

Draft started 4/16/2020 I'm gonna start this thought before I lose it and before I do any scientific research.  Ugghhh, grad school severely altered my ability to develop a full thought without thinking about quantifying data.  With the craziness of the school closures and distance learning, I've read over and over remarks from teachers about equal access.  I've been there, and sometimes, I linger here still -- the idea that all students should have equal access. It's easy and simple.  I only have to create one lesson plan to push out with the expectation that all students have equal access and that no issues will arise as students complete the assignment.  Ok, none of us teachers really believes this myth.  We may long for it, but we don't believe it will ever happen.  Sometimes, magically, we get close???  Teacher background and education level, age and experience all contribute to ideology.   As an illustration:  younger teac...

 Oh my, I can so vividly remember the excitement, the joy even, of opening the AOL app and hearing "you've got mail"- the eventual reward for waiting for the dial up to reach across time and space to connect to a world that had been so remote only a year previous. I, like so many others, found new friends (connections) in those early chat rooms - reading the conversations of strangers and finding familiar threads of commonality.  For a couple of years, I even had a couple of steady email friends who brought my loneliness into companionship and helped me also discover my sequestered voice again. Even 22 years later, the Tom Hanks / Meg Ryan movie enchants me.  I try to watch it at least once a year and to use it as a guidepost into my own growth.  This year, as I watched it, I was caught off guard to a new fact that I have seemingly ignored for a long time - Joe and Kathleen were "cheating" on their relationships.  The dark and often crippling reality of "in...