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Side Effects

Original Post March 2020 It's the hundredth day of school, and this year has been incredibly challenging. Without going into excessive detail, I can say this year has made me seriously question my decision to return to education. One crucial lesson I've learned is that true leadership sometimes means putting on a brave face, even when you're struggling, to maintain a positive environment for those around you. I've also encountered 'bulldozer parents' for the first time. I'd heard the term, but never truly experienced it. These parents set unrealistic expectations for their children and, in the process, demoralize their teachers. I've spoken with several educators who are leaving the field due to these difficult parents. I believe supportive administration could mitigate this, but that hasn't been my experience. I've been called into the principal's office almost weekly since the start of school. Some parents refuse to communicate with me dire...
Recent posts

Direct Teaching is Exhausting

Original Drafting March 2021 For the past nine weeks, I've completely overhauled my classroom approach, abandoning the familiar flipped model in favor of intensive, direct instruction. This shift, driven by a desire to bolster student success, has proven to be the most draining period of my entire teaching career. Over winter break, I meticulously analyzed student performance data and survey feedback from the fall semester, searching for patterns and insights that might illuminate areas needing improvement. I reasoned that a more structured, teacher-led approach could address the identified gaps. However, the sheer effort required to maintain this direct teaching model is staggering. Every lesson is meticulously crafted, every concept painstakingly explained, and every student interaction demands focused attention. I'm essentially doubling my workload – creating detailed lecture materials, designing in-class activities that reinforce learning in real-time, and providing constan...
Even though I logically understand what the expression “too much on your plate” means I don’t think I ever fully grasped the dynamic and emotional reality of this expression until just recently in my life. I’m 57 years old and there have been a lot of things in my life that I have struggled through, waded through, survived. I often look backward in amazement that I was able to juggle so much chaos at different points in my life and somehow get up and make it to school or to work or to soccer practice for the kids, and I never felt that I had too much on my plate. And somehow at my 57th birthday, I fully feel that expression for the very first time and I really don’t know how to process it.  As a 911 operator, I once took a call from an older woman, probably in her 60s at the time (making her almost 80 now), whose dog had escaped her fenced yard. She was hysterical. Initially, I didn't understand the severity of her distress. I even asked my coworkers what the 'big tragedy' ...

How “The New Yorker’s” Richard Brody Misses the Point

 In just 2 days, I get to go watch “A Complete Unknown”, a movie I have anxiously awaited for weeks.  I purchased tickets online the first day that I could.  With that said, I hope the movie doesn’t disappoint. Here’s the thing…… It’s a shortened, romanticized excerpt in the long, fantastic career of folk artist Bob Dylan who I have channeled for years in my own “unknown” life in Central Texas.  How possibly could a small town Texas girl ever truly “get” the bigger essence that is Bob Dylan?  Or the rebellious music scene in New York years before she was even born? Here’s the thing…… Music (an extension of literature) is interpretive.  This means that each person who encounters it will do so through his / her own lens (perspective).  This is one of the main reasons that English class in school is difficult for so many.  The biopic “A Complete Unknown” is one producer’s vision (perspective) of Dylan’s life.  It is not the movie’s job to someho...

What Prompted This???

Written May 2022  Oh, I can’t. I’m on that very slippery slope, and I just want to slide down into the abyss and drown. I do. I hate where my life is right now. ———— Oh! What in the world prompted that entry? And just as I typed it, I remembered, and all the raw emotions from that point in time came rushing toward me, threatening to consume me. I opened this app today to complain about things currently, to grasp at the oh, so tenuous lifeline I’ve used for years to attempt to sort out the confusing parts of my life. Who in the world am I?? What is my purpose? I’m feeling more and more invisible with each day. It’s so daunting, so suffocating. I’m truly sad, irritated, and bored. Oh!! Bored. I scarce can stand the shit of my life right now. The invasion of Kate and the kids has disrupted all aspects of my life. It’s not that I’m insensitive to their plight, it’s the complete changes being forced onto me because Kate is as willful and stubborn as me.  ————- 5/8/24 I read to this...

The Power of Being Seen

Original Post (Feb 2020) It is a lazy, late February morning, the last Sunday in February this year.  I am puttering around the kitchen putting away things, straightening, enjoying my lukewarm lemon pepper water detox.  Well, I am enjoying the morning, maybe not the lukewarm lemon pepper detox water. It has been a very long time since I have felt seen, and recently, I met a man who has done just that.  So far, I feel stable, like I can take a long, slow approach and not try to pin my hopes and dreams on one person.  I was so afraid of jumping back in to the dating world.  The ending of my marriage was 20 years ago in July of this year.... 20 years; and in that time, I have only casually dated and never had a long term intimate relationship.  I worked really hard to be a strong presence for my  daughters, to build a future that I could inhabit alone, on my own terms. I won't lie; I'm terrified.  Personal and intimate relationships are so difficult ...

Strict Scheduling as I Spiral

      I am not ok.     I want to be, but I am not ok.     As the last, precious minutes of a weather induced 4 day weekend draw to an close, I sit in numbed silence trying to piece the mangled pieces of my life into a semblance of order.     I am not ok.     My heart aches for a world that existed once.  My soul bleeds for the chaos that faces so many in our country.  I keep hoping that I am overthinking it; I just don't feel that is true.       I am exhausted, and I am not ok.     No wonder the retreat of my precious home offers the only comfort lately.  Here, in contentedness, I can script my hours.  I chose music or movies that feed my soul.  I prepare healthy food to nourish and heal my body, and I shut out any and all intrusions with swift deliberations.     Exhaustion can do that.  It can blind reality.  Maybe it's my age or the unbearable weight of res...