What Prompted This???

Written May 2022

Oh, I can’t. I’m on that very slippery slope, and I just want to slide down into the abyss and drown. I do. I hate where my life is right now.

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Oh! What in the world prompted that entry? And just as I typed it, I remembered, and all the raw emotions from that point in time came rushing toward me, threatening to consume me.

I opened this app today to complain about things currently, to grasp at the oh, so tenuous lifeline I’ve used for years to attempt to sort out the confusing parts of my life.

Who in the world am I?? What is my purpose?

I’m feeling more and more invisible with each day. It’s so daunting, so suffocating. I’m truly sad, irritated, and bored. Oh!! Bored. I scarce can stand the shit of my life right now.

The invasion of Kate and the kids has disrupted all aspects of my life. It’s not that I’m insensitive to their plight, it’s the complete changes being forced onto me because Kate is as willful and stubborn as me.

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5/8/24

I read to this whole thing and still took me a moment to remember what prompted the first part of this entry. Kent had told me again that he didn’t think he wanted to go through the process of raising a kid and we were on very stressful terms in our very new relationship. I think I was more confused and a little bit angry and I just couldn’t imagine the deeper implications of choosing to raise Sophia. And then when I picked up the app and wrote the second entry, we were struggling again because I had chosen to move Kaitlyn and the kids into my home so that she could transition into recovery. It’s ironic to me that when I finally feel like I have my life together. I have all these things that just continually cause me to doubt myself , and I hate doubting myself. I love the life. I have finally built for myself.

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