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Philly State of Mind

This time last year I was planning a romantic weekend get-a-way with Jarvis, so when I got up this morning and the chill of this artic air greeted me, my mind raced back to Philly. Each time Jeff and I hit a stall, I do this, retreat.


So, with my "Philadelphia" playist providing a consistent soundtrack, I am working on my novela "Philadelphia Story". Things with Jeff are good, but he is dealing with some family issues with his parents in Florida and announced to me he might be leaving Austin soon to take care of things.


Even though I wish I trusted people, I don't. It especially difficult for me to trust men. This is exhausting.............back and forth.

One day I'll be on top of the world and full of optimism only to be completely insecure and scrambling to rebuild walls the next day. I have already started praying because experience has taught me that I must let go of any understanding I think I have. Above any of this confusion is the fact that I do like Jeff and that I am beginning to develop real feelings for him. I made the choice a couple weeks ago to stop worrying and just enjoy each day as it comes along.

We have managed to survive our first 2 fights which for me is such a bonus. I don't like fighting, and the mistakes I made with Jarvis were in not standing up for myself when he tried to control me. Deep down I know Jarvis and I would've never worked out...........he is just too close my ideal for me to let go of completely. That is one of the main reasons I am working on the novela. I am sure some will think I need to drop the novela completely and move away from anything about Jarvis.............and I would explain that writing has been the only thing to chase away the shadows of his memories in my heart and soul.
In the year since Jarvis and I ended our 2 year relationship, I have learned this: I am a completely empassioned person. I feel things. I live each day of my life with strong emotions attached. I am a Scorpio after all........but more importantly, for me, it is whom I am. It is what makes me good at building/maintaining a home ((smells, sights and sounds)). It is what makes me deeply committed to my friends/family/job. It is what makes me weep at injustice and sing loud praises to my Savior. Even the hint that I should shut this part of me off is like asking a professional basketball player to give up the use of his/her legs.
As I finish my second cup of coffee and listen to the last of my playist, I know I need to get moving, to stop permitting memories to direct my day. I need to trust God to guide me, and in doing so, I must stop being afraid of getting hurt. As much as I wish my life could be compartmentalized, it can't be. Life is, after all, messy.
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