My Thoughts

post from yahoo 360 (01-15-07) Assassination of Dylan Thomas I have plotted out this assassination for a few weeks now, carefully planning the tools, method and defending my decision. His smug face taunting me, challenging, I am almost ready to execute my plan to rid my mind of him. Lately, in tortured slumber, I hear his words savagely tease me. It's a violent game of cat and mouse, a game that has exhausted and confused me. Light breaks on secret lots, On tips of thought where thoughts smell in the rain; When logics dies, The secret of the soil grows through the eye, And blood jumps in the sun; Above the waste allotments the dawn halts. http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15380 It's him or me, and sharp as words can be, I will purge my mind of him. "My Hero Bares His Nerves", and I, like the scared shadow in a room of regret, stand humble to his ability to strive always with pen in hand. A coward, I cannot face my reflection in the grimy mi...

This song brings to mind careless breezes and gentle whispers of how amazing God is.

Voices from the Street posted Jan. 13, 2008 It was a windy day downtown. With book in hand, I walked from my parking place on 11th and Brazos to Starbucks. Lots of people were headed to the Capitol, and amid the noise of cars and conversation I could hear the loudspeaker of a protester denouncing the Bush Admin and war in Iraq. Welcome to Austin!! The voices from the Street are mingled, and I detected at least 3 different languages other than English. Aside from the wind...........it was a beautiful Jan. day. Meeting a new friend downtown to have coffee, conversation and then over to the Austin Musuem of Art to view the Roy Lichtenstein currently on display....we detoured from our original plans to include a walk about downtown. Seems he also likes architecture and the urban landscape. We found several places we both want to visit and took several pix. My favorite stop was at the Cathedral of Saint Mary. What a beautiful place!!! Slowly, my new life is taking on a shape of what I had ...

Dreams journaled 02-15-04 I recall so vividly my dream last nite. I've been reading this tiny lil' book Dream Workshop, and this morning, my dream stays frozen, clear in my mind's eye. In a town of absurd contrasts, I try to leave, but all the directions given me are dead ends, converging at some unknown place where those contrasts exist. A city park where giraffs roam freely, a bright modern downtown surrounding a crumbling, decaying courthouse...........I find myself buying a pack of gum and gas at a station/cafe. I am waiting for my credit card. As I wait, the attendant disappears, adn line behind me grows longer. Time ticks by so slowly. Hearing the bustle of the cafe, I turn to see well dressed groups interacting. One group of women talks about the antics of children, so I contribute an antecdote from my teaching experience. The whole store stills. In that brief, awkward silence, my attendant returns, virtually shoving my card and receipt at me. As I quickly ca...

Silent Cries journal entry 11-4-06 Lonliness pursues.........captures....consumes. And in isolated terror, she screams. Screams unheard, unknown and she succumbs. Where is the bright sunshine of yesterday? As a bright-eyed girl full of sunshine, her world saw kittens and puppies and rainbows. Her heart felt full frenzies. Her soul surrendered  to ideals of love, friendship, patriotism and forgiveness.

Jan 25, 2008 Sings the Wind Chilled air swirls and mist clings to a grey world. She huddles closer in the alcove, the deer hide wrapped securely around her, and a small trail of tears slip from her tired eyes. Exhausted hunger and the chill creep into her mind and play tricks with reality. She imagines a world of warm yellow and the sweet embrace of one she loved. Find me, she begs. Alone now, Sings the Wind remembers so much before. She wonders where her strong warrior has gone. Isolation tortures her, more chilling than the cold mist swirling outside. Haunting sweet memories and smells from before confuse, making sleep more desirable but impossible. Will song ever conquer my lips, she muses. Shall love once again set ablaze my soul? ------------·Comments (0)·Edit ·.Remove---------- Jan 25, 2008 Constancy.........Goethe Thanks to *~littlekou... ~* for the following: CONSTANCY IN CHANGE. Goethe COULD this early bliss but rest Constant for one single hour! But ...

original post: Jan 25, 2008 Juliet: And when I shall die, take him and cut him up in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will fall in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun. ********** When I first posted this, 5 years ago, I had just met Jay, and I was completely falling in love for what seemed like the first time of my life.  There was this feeling of completeness inside of me that I had never felt before, and sadly, have not felt since.  We talked about so many things, and he had told me about this "LOVE" sculpture in Philadelphia.  I honestly do not know how that conversation started, but I do know that all I could thing of was visiting the place.  I have been fortunate to go twice, once in summer, and once in winter, in the snow.  

Feb 11, 2008 Valentine’s Remembered Thursday is Valentine's Day..............that time of year when lovers profess their feelings, when we lonely hearts idolize what could be and when candy, hearts and flowers are given. Makes me think of a certain little boy who used to give me a box of conversation hearts every year until his family moved. We were under 10 years old through that whole time... As I watched Whitney fill out her Valentine's cards to take to school, I was overwhelmed with memories of my own childhood and all the cute lil cards I have saved since childhood. Could make an awesome scrapbook. For such a long time, I have been confused about Valentine's Day. My ex-husband never acknowledged the day, and very rarely have I received anything from anyone........other than my kids. My daughters have been my constant source of love and support. To them, I owe so much. We stopped at Sonic yesterday to get sweetheart blasts, and I kept thinking to myself h...

Five for Fighting, "NYC Weather Report" One of my fav songs The original date for this post was 2010, but even after 5 years, this song still resonates with me.  Its lyrics are haunting, beckoning almost, to an ideal.  An ideal, not a specific time or place, but an ideal that I wish I could return to. I have been cleaning up my blogger account, moving the bits and pieces of my two novels into a word program to complete and edit.

written Feb. 25, 2008 The possibility of moving to New York continues to linger in my mind, a far off dream from another time. I think about all the attraction of Autumn in NY and watching the beautiful spring day unfold in front of me out this big window, I know that nothing compares to Spring in Texas. We invariably tie our own dreams and romantic ideas to people. That's what makes us "fall in love" with them………because we are already in love with our own hearts. In my strange Texas Bohemian way, I am in love with New York, and in complete hopefulness, I transferred those amazing feelings to someone, someone who did not embody those feelings. I am trying to get ready for work, listening to music and wrangling with my wardrobe. Harry Conick Jr came on the player and my mind drifted to that place in my imagination where NY lives. Just as Austin has its own place in my imagination, so too does NY live. And when I allow myself to dream…………oooooo. I see Audrey Hepb...

As I sit here desperately attempting to finalized a paper for Principles of Education , my mind continues to drift. I am thinking about work, about the upcoming holiday season, about paying bills and finding a way to survive all the stress. I am feeling actualy very unmotivated. I keep asking myself, "why"? We talked in class about the movie "Waiting on Superman". I think about the Harlem Children's Zone and education. I think also about my own ideals of how one person can truly be Superman and make a difference. Am I truly that naive?? I haven't seen the movie yet. I kinda wish Superman would come take me away for a while, maybe a nice cruise over downtown. Back to my paper now..............:)

It's the first day of Advent, and I overslept on the one Sunday I could actually attend church. Even though I have every intention of attending the "hanging of the greens" tonight, there is some part of me that feels complete abject guilt for not being at Sunday service on the one Sunday I am actually not working. My guilt comes in knowing that the strong connectedness I once had to the very legalistic aspect of the Methodist church has transcended into a deeper connection to my Savior. I remember also that the rituals became for me an auto response to a life I felt completely imprisoned in. Somewhere is my journal entry about the gilded cage............."oh I know why the caged bird sings." And then, in a breath, the guilt dissipates. The few rare moments of family togetherness afforded us in this crazy world are more priceless to me than the strength of the guilt. Today, I also restarted the calorie counting. Not sure why I have had such a hard year staying fo...

Shattered Written 02-17-04 Shattered shards of sanity surround me........Insanity ensues. Tortured sighs, seeping pain, who was stabs me..........Insanity ensues. Shadows smother, blood soaked cries consume me.........Insanity ensues. Shapeless red, peirced pain reflects, controls me......Insanity ensues. My life is a scattered mess. Amont the ruins of what once was, I now live, afraid confused.

first posted 03.01.2008 Constant, again This constant craving that we all feel is a state of being that has its beginnings at Origin. Most people don't recognize it; they just feel driven by it. It's almost as though we have this big hole in ourselves that we seek to fill. We have no awareness that this is what we are doing. THE SEVEN STEPS TO HUMILITY Melanie had to be at school early this morning for a track meet, and as I was driving home through the darkened streets of this little town, I thought of the similarities and differences of where I am now as opposed to where I was a year ago. Our location has changed, but my life with the girls is very much the same as it was before we moved. I began to ponder the idea of constancy. We went to the movies last night and then to Taco Bell. We all laughed and had such an amazing time. Kaitlyn mentioned that it felt like normal. I knew what she meant. Each of the girls has remarked several times in the last few months about feeling ...

01.04.2008 Where Am I?? Finally, we talked last night, and in complete longing, I thought so many things about where we both are...........so far apart. We've always been this far apart, and I just never would believe it. I've spent 2 years of my life so in love with you, or rather, the idea of you, that I couldn't breathe. My heart hurts beyond anything I have ever felt. Where am I?? Where is that special, funny, warm and sweet person you met?? I can almost hear her screaming, "let me in", and I am trapped, afraid. She falls in love so easily, gets hurt so often and cannot live with her own disappointments. But oh!!! How wonderful that feeling...............of loving someone so much you can't breathe. Well, you might not care about where I am, where I've been. I know you never have, and I needed the final clarification on that point. You gave that to me last nite. But, oh, oh, oh!! I, even through the pain and burning tears, am so much better ...